May, 2016

GBS44/30/2016

I start my memoir right now with right now.

I’m setting the timeframe in the now and will include bits of where I’ve been and where I’m going as they fit the weave of my thread.

I’m doing this because God wants me to. It has been suggested to me a number of times over the last few years to tell the story I live, and yesterday it was the first item of information I received in a psychic reading. I understood intuitively that it was time to act. My feelings tell me to take this seriously. So I begin.

At this moment, I am preparing to perform my nightly Golden Orb Deeksha transmission. Deeksha is a way to transmit energy from God to another person (or thing, if you want). Oneness University in India has created training and methods for doing this. I was doing it anyway before I got trained, but I suppose it wasn’t “official.” For a class assignment with my son, I developed an experiment in which I channeled God energy to some tomato plants and compared these plants to tomato plants receiving only water and others receiving water and fertilizer. The tomato plants that received God energy grew the tallest of all the plants and outperformed those receiving fertilizer. (It did not occur to me to ask the angels to keep the squirrels off the fruit. Little buggers bit into every beautiful, perfect tomato, so I didn’t get to try any to see if the extra God energy I channeled to them made them taste better.)

I’ve received hands on Deeksha at Unity churches and from blessing givers for some time and recently took the Oneness University training course to become a Golden Orb Deeksha giver. This is a remote and anonymous method of blessing others. Although it is my personal belief that Oneness University does not own the franchise on giving God’s blessings and that you can give all the blessings you want that are every bit as powerful with or without their training, I will say I found the training extremely beneficial and I am very glad I received it. It really helped me to feel very encouraged on my spiritual path. I’m toying with the idea of actually going to Oneness University in India at some point, but the tales I’ve heard of it suggest the experience, though rewarding, is very challenging physically.

This is what I want to remember to say when I do my Golden Orb Deeksha tonight. I am presently focusing blessings on a friend who is incarcerated. I will ask this: please lord fill my friend’s heart with love. Let my friend remember his nobility. Every journey is noble and respected. Every journey. A divine being of light agreed to take an adventure to the lowlands of the vibrational universe, the material plane. And forget his divinity. And to feel hopelessness and despair and to go deep into darkness such as that. No thought of love for himself. I thank you for leading him to the still place in his mind where the water flows and he remembers the river of life and drinks of it. He will remember his nobility by the time he’s out. He already knows what work calls him. He’s doing it already. Leading other addicts out of the dark places as he himself finds his own way out. Helping them to know and love themselves. So, let him love himself fully, without judgment, and set that example for those he guides, with an understanding that he makes his own life with his thought, his word, his deed. No one else can make his life but himself.

Okay, writing it out really changes it a lot. When I actually do a Golden Orb Deeksha, I mainly just see light going into his heart chakra and filling him with a bright light so that he shines like a star and feels good and very happy. That seems to be adequate to communicate the intention of raising up his vibration so he may live in a way that brings joy and satisfaction; but, I think to help fill out and express all the thought and hope in the vision takes something more like the paragraph above.

So, I think the universe has decided this is the format for the memoir. Journal entries. I do them every day anyway. Or most evenings at least. So, I just pretty it up a little bit and post it somewhere. I have to fancy it up over the usual; but that’s fun. Writing is fun. I wonder if I even approached Henry James in the paragraph above. No. Not nearly twisted and lengthy enough. Oh, well, it’s its own kind of weird. Weird is good. Mmmm. Good bumper sticker.

weird

Maybe I should title the memoir: Good Bumper Sticker. I’ll just go back up and type that in.

++

I made a little bumper sticker for the title!! Cute. Fun. Happy good times.

 

happy good

Okay, I am officially ripping off Breakfast of Champions. Awaiting infringement suit. It really is just tribute.

++

Oh, saw two billboards with message like this in a parallel universe that I drove into one day recently. I believe the angels rigged it so I could get a miracle message. I was driving on the Expressway, on that bridge where you get on at I-64. There are light up billboards there. I was alone on the road and the light up billboard on the left looked like this:

yes

And the one on the right looked like this:

anything

Now come on. That was from heaven. I don’t care what the story is for how it got there. That was a message from heaven. Thank you, God.

5/1/2016

My heaven mind is in charge.

my heaven mind

Got a reading recently from Lori Wheeler (www.mysticalphenomenon.com ). She gave me the final piece of the puzzle to see the picture of where to go next and what to do. She is the one who told me to write. First thing she said. So many others have told me and I ignored it. But she said it will release all the blocks to the music I make. She gave this analogy: picture a log that has fallen across a creek. The water trickles around it. Doing the memoir will remove the block and the water will flow freely. Okay. I can understand that. That’s why I’m finally doing this. I’m letting heaven guide my hand as to how I do it. I’m trusting I’ll understand why I’m to do this when the time is right for me to understand.

What prompted all the urgings and suggestions I’ve received from friends to write a memoir was the way I handled my divorce. In the beginning, I thought really often of quite violent revenge because I thought such thoughts were satisfying. Ultimately, I reached a place of love. I’m told this is a big deal. Is it? Whatever the case, it was what I had to do.

Being in a place of revenge seeking, judgment, and resentment just didn’t fit with what I sought for myself: peace, love, understanding and compassion.

peace love

Lori also told me to go the Renaissance Faire and to start hiking again on a regular basis. Real hiking. In the mountains. Not this city park stuff.

Okay. Will try it out and report later. She said the Ren Faire will feel very familiar to me. I’ve been told to try archery by a very intuitive palm reader and the universe sent two young archers into my acquaintance, so I suppose I’ll take an archery lesson there. I hope they have long bows. I feel drawn to that.

I believe I am to start having fun and not to work all the time. Good thing this writing doesn’t feel like work since it’s almost one in the morning. Nite.

5/4/16

Oh, God. I don’t want to do this. Okay. Full on resistance. Not really about letting people get to seriously know me. I really am remarkably untrusting. So, I keep getting the 9 of wands in my tarot readings.

I get the 9 of swords a lot too. I am not sleeping enough.

A lot to do. Have to figure out how to sleep enough and get all of it done. A step at a time is how. A word at a time. Earth is a place of slow understanding. The low slow wave that its energy has lived is picking up in some places, however; little rainbows hanging in the air.

Here I am. A little rainbow. (See end note 1.)

Oh, duh, I am. I am that I am. A hah. (Eureka? Hmmmm.)

5/5/16

Just got back from walking the dogs. That’s a good way to clear to my mind. Then I can think of what to write next. Today I’m thinking I can go ahead and get the Gethsemane moment over. Well, at least one of them. There are more. I wrote a song called Gethsemane. The band I was in (gash gold vermilion) performed it. I wrote an essay about this song on the band’s website. The long and short of it is that Gethsemane is the garden where Jesus hung out the night before he was to be crucified, knowing full well what was coming the next day. Nails driven in hands, crown of thorns, vinegar to drink. He had to think about that for a long time before it happened. Poor thing. He could have run away, but he didn’t. He was brave, as are we. We are bringing his energy to full blossom in the world. That same energy the Buddha, Mohammed, anyone essentially that we view as spiritually ascended is now us. The second coming is us. It’s already happened and continues to happen. It’s just a matter of being aware that it has happened. Super awesome cool to get this point at last. It took me a lot of digging and researching and reading and attending spiritual events and watching you tube videos: lots of hours spent studying the information out there on spiritual understanding. I trust spirit took me to the places best for me to go. (See end note 2.)

We, each of us who care to, bring in the energy of Jesus or whatever name you wish to give to ascended beings or higher consciousnesses, simply by doing as they did and raising our vibration. What is the ticket? Awareness. Awareness is the ticket to ascension. This is my current understanding. Learning and experience indicate to me that this is a simple way to raise your vibration. It definitely feels better to have a higher vibration. Life feels better. It’s quite chill.

(Art by Zachary Duke, ©2016)

So, what is awareness? It’s stepping outside of yourself and not getting lost in your feelings and in your story, but instead noticing what your feelings and your story are. When I do this I look upon myself as a third person. It’s an interesting exercise and one that the people at Oneness University say is the step that allows the divine to transform you. Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun who has put out several excellent works, has helped me the most with engaging in this exercise successfully. I really wanted to stop reacting with anger. Period. Her books on tape have helped me the most to learn how to just stop and observe myself. My understanding is that it is essential to feel your feelings and just as essential to be aware of them. So, I do still feel angry at times. And, sometimes, I still let myself openly express my anger, but primarily when I make a conscious choice to do so, not because I’ve lost myself in it. Of course, there are times when I lose it (I have teenagers). I do, however, have a goal of not getting lost so much in my feelings that my conditioning kicks into overdrive. I at least want to wake up somewhere during my fit and make a choice about what to do. I’ve gotten much better at this. Note that I am not telling myself it’s bad to be angry. If I’m angry, I’m angry. The improvement I’ve made is to be aware of it and to decide what to do with the feeling.

As soon as I awakened, I immediately found myself ditching conditioning. I had to. It didn’t fit with the new reality I was discovering. There are many who, like me, will do or have done some radical restructuring, as in essentially dumping, of their old belief system.

I am an Aries, a pioneer in many ways, a Black Water Rabbit. I am an explorer in more than one system of understanding the invisible, as all astrologies, oracles and divinations are. Despite my conventional, moderate Christian upbringing, I have now done some things I would never, ever have considered before, including but not limited to many past life regressions, a life between life regression (the Michael Newton method), quantum healing hypnotherapy (the Dolores Cannon method), shamanic journeying, aura viewing, meditating, Deeksha giving and receiving, crystal healing, photographing nonphysical entities, chakra activation, moon goddess rituals (complete with new moon crystal charged water), oracle reading (tarot, runes, I Ching), channeling, Hemi Sync and Spatial Angle Modulation (The Monroe Institute) and more.

My favorite of all these adventures is going to the black place. There is a place I go where there is nothing. All there is is my consciousness. I discovered this place during an out of body experience I had after surgery. It made me feel happy and giggle. I’m meant for places like that. I am an explorer, and I have discovered that the true frontier is within.

true frontier

There is a different view, as you lighten the load, releasing sandbags, climbing up for a broader perspective.

Byrddesong Publishing, ©2016

Okay, so I did a lot of yakking and never actually got to the Gethsemane moment. Oh, well, maybe tomorrow.

5/6/16

So, here’s how the universe communicates with me. Today is the Friday before Mother’s Day–Mother’s Day, which will be slammed at every restaurant. We celebrated Mother’s Day this evening, two days ahead, with dinner out. Quiet, no wait. Good. Quiet. Very nice.

I took my beloved mom to dinner; we enjoyed it. Walked and fed the dogs. Heard awesome riffs in my head as I walked the dogs. And wrote good stuff for the blog in my head that I forgot and knew I would never hang onto. Oh, well. There’s plenty more.

Sitting down to play now. This is where my soul says hello. My soul likes it a lot sometimes. Other times it doesn’t feel safe. That’s what the Gethsemane moments are. The ones where you don’t feel safe.

Oh, lord. Give me wings. Here goes.

So, when you tell people that you have a parallel life in another dimension as a bipedal reptilian sending beams of thought energy to earth, well, this is a Gethsemane moment. This discovery is a very far out concept for a lot of people and the only way they can handle it is to think you’re kidding except you’re not. You have explored different paths of soul journeys and found certain very unusual discoveries that way. Another life I am having right now is somewhere that isn’t earth. In that place, I have no free will at all; every day I send beams of some kind of energy to earth through a portal that only I know. And, I can’t teach it or give it to anyone else no matter how hard I try. They already have it. It’s up to them to see it. That’s the challenging part: the seeing it. The getting past layers of conditioning that is so thorough in its plastering over of reality that it has taken and still takes much concerted and focused effort to get past. It requires daily effort to move reality to actual reality at a higher vibration that feels better; one that is accepting, feels safe and knows love.

I honestly cannot believe that I have become a person who is perfectly fine with it when people tell me they’ve had a past life as an alien reptile. (I met another one like me at a psychic development class.) It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Anyway, roast me over an open spit. I’m sure I’ve been burned at the stake in lifetimes before this one due to societal intolerance.

+++

Oh so I got a message from the universe tonight. It is so ridiculously funny the way the Universe speaks to me. I mean, it tickles me to death. One of the things it does is send me fortunes from fortune cookies even a long time after the last time we had take out Chinese. It happened tonight. It was sitting there on the floor in the little hall that leads from the kitchen to the foyer. Here’s the first picture I took of the fortune:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And, here’s the picture I took with the flash:

For the life of me I did not rig the picture with the shadows of bars. I wouldn’t begin to know how to do that and I can’t explain why it happened other than that the divine wanted it considered. So I considered it.

My incarcerated friend lives with the shadows of bars upon him. I have none. Both of us have done the job well. When judgment is all spent out, the emptiness of the turned out pocket is just air. What is it you do with air?

Forgiveness and love sustain us in joy, just as fresh air does.

love feeds us

+++

I have learned some very useful information. Engaging in the true recognition and expression of forbidden feelings will free you of them. Anger has been a feeling and experience that I have spent much time and effort trying to understand and master. I’ve come a long way. There was a time in the recent past when I let myself get very, very angry. Actually, there was no let in it. There was lost. I just went there and didn’t even note that I had chosen the path to the dark woods. I believe that period of my life ran about 15 months. It was when I accepted that no matter how hard I might try, there was no saving my marriage, and the father of my children would be leaving not just me, but them too. It was the angriest I have ever been.

I remember how long it lasted because my music habits changed drastically. I began to listen to Alice in Chains a lot–daily for 15 months to the exclusion of anything else. That was it, all day, every day for 15 months. AIC. When you are in an angry place you need music that understands that place. I am grateful that the universe always sends me what I need when I need it. All I have to do is reach out and take it. I saw them in the Best Of/Greatest Hits bin at Walmart. I saw the song on the list “Heaven Beside You,” and I bought it for that. For some reason I’d gotten it in my head that Nelson did that song. Then I heard everything else on the Greatest Hits CD with the image of the big golden sun on the disk. Every song a hit. That band can do it. Their ears are tuned to heaven and to what’s below. Great day indeed to discover them at last, basically two decades after they first came into prominence.

That was one of my most effective healing salves during the really hard days. I play guitar, so I don’t punch things. I sing, so I don’t scream. So, I sang it out. Dam that River. Them Bones. Man in the Box. God Am. Rain When I Die. The list goes on. Thank God, I needed an outlet. And the angels delivered. Always they deliver.

Identity shifts are challenging. The loss of my marriage caused me to have one. People generally have no idea how scared they are of identity shifts because they can’t even consider it long enough to get any kind of sense of it. But sometimes they are forced on you. They squash you flat and push every ounce of breath out of you. So you start over, the old you smothered to death by heavy, dark feeling; you rise up for air, changed, able to breathe the different air, like that first amphibian that crawled out of the sea and decided it liked the shore and stayed there, breathing a new way.

I fought it and suffered. I don’t begin to know how to tell the story of my suffering. How do you get across an understanding of such deep emotional pain? I’m not sure I have the stomach to try tonight. It hurt. It would be nice if I were one of those super ascended awesome someone or others who can be calm about everything, but I’m not. I do not much wish to recall that which hurt. I wonder if I can do justice to this task without going there? Doubtful. Not tonight certainly.

Although I truly feel as though there is so much to do and so little time. (I really must modify those words and that belief. How about this instead: all comes in due right time. I have a bounty of all things, including time.)

Our thoughts are magic; our words the spells that bring that magic into being; our actions and circumstances proof of our power to create.

So, I have enough time to do something else I’d like to do and go play some guitar and ukulele. Or maybe sleep. Ren Faire tomorrio.

5/10/16

Went to my final Relationships class last night at Inner Peace. We did the Shakti Gawain pink bubble meditation. So, you formulate your wish and send it up to the universe in a pink bubble of light. I kind of panicked. I didn’t know exactly what to wish for. I know the class is called Relationships, but I’ve had such a long, challenging history with them that I’m not sure I’ve got it in me to try again. So, I finally decided to wish for increased psychic ability. I would like to be like the Long Island Medium or someone like that who can see angels. I would love to see angels as long as it doesn’t scare me. I understand they’re very large compared to humans. I’ve had two encounters that are as close as I’ve come to it.

The first time was right after I awakened. In 2009, I held a combined birthday party for my mom and my youngest daughter. At the party I was taking pictures with an old digital camera. As I was reviewing the pictures, I noticed a black shadow in the lower left corner of a couple of them. This upset me because I thought the camera was broken and would need to be replaced and I definitely did not want to spend money on a new camera. Here are the pictures:

I kept on using the camera and the subsequent shots cleared up, so I put it out of my mind and went on with the party.

The following weekend I went to see my dear friend, Mary O’Hare. At the time, I was a total skeptic. I did not believe in ghosts, UFOs, psychics, etc. I thought that was for people who were superstitious and/or gullible. I was polite about it with friends who engaged in that sort of thing though. Mary had started going to psychics when she lost her father suddenly. It broke her heart so she was trying everything to comfort herself. I loved her too much to judge her for it, but I thought it was a complete waste of time.

As I waited for her to finish with her emails before we went to brunch, I noticed a book on her table and began reading it. Unfinished Business by James Van Praagh. While I didn’t go for most of it, there was a chapter on karma that I wanted to read but ran out of time. As we were getting ready to take our annual beach vacation and I would have time to read, I resolved to go to the library to check the book out, despite not having been to a library in years. The following week at the library, the strangest thing happened. I reached for the Van Praagh book on the shelf, but my hand came back with a book by Mary Ann Winkowski called When Ghosts Speak. I was in a hurry and decided to keep it in case I had time to look it over later and also got the Van Praagh book. I realized I might not read either, but wanted to be prepared.

On Friday, June 12, 2009, a day I consider my second birthday, my eldest daughter flipped through the books as I packed for our trip. She opened When Ghosts Speak to the picture section and brought it to me to see the ghost pictures. I stopped what I was doing and looked with her. The hair stood up on my neck. In the Winkowski book was a section of pictures taken in a cemetery that showed moving black shadows that looked like the shadow in the pictures from our birthday celebration. Additionally, there were pictures of spirit orbs. I also had taken a photo with a very large orb that I have not included here because it contains a picture of someone else’s child. I had assumed that it was just a very large sun mote.

I got on the phone with a couple of my “woo woo” friends who believed in all that “nonsense,” and got them to come over and compare the pictures on my camera to the ones in the book. Already awake, though, they were not surprised and shocked and freaked out as I was. They simply began telling me their stories of spirit encounters in their own homes.

I was scared. I did not realize until the moment I believed, that I had been a nonbeliever, not just in ghosts, but in the afterlife. I had been active in my church and taught Sunday school for years, yet at that moment, when I saw proof of spirit life, I realized that before that moment I had thought we just died and that was it. I had been going to church “just in case.”

I was too afraid to sleep in the dark or be alone anywhere in the house. There was something there I could not see but that could see me. I was not liking that. I called a spiritual friend of mine and asked what to do. She suggested I pray to Archangel Michael for protection and ask him to accompany me and stay with me at all times so that I need not be afraid. I did as she suggested and slept with every light in the room on. (I continued that practice for another six weeks before I got my courage back.)

The next night, in our rental at the Outer Banks, I had my first angel encounter. I was up late reading the Winkowski and Van Praagh books, at this point riveted by their every word, skepticism gone in a flash, forever. No fans or air conditioner were running. The door and windows were shut. Of course, at this point all the lights in the room were on. Everyone else in the house was asleep. As I lay in bed, I noticed in the far right of my peripheral vision a sheet of sparkling blue white light hanging mid-air. And then a cool breeze ran across my left hand. (As I write this, I feel a touch on the right side of my head: some spirit or angel wants me to know they are here.) It terrified me. I hid under the covers. (Later I came to realize it was only Archangel Michael, whose trademark color is light blue, letting me know he had come to me when I called him.)

After our return home, I tried on two different occasions to replicate the black shadow by taking pictures at the same time of day with the same camera, from the same angle and the same lighting conditions. The pictures came out clear as a bell. The shadows were simply not a vestige of a defect in the camera.

So began my new life. This was the first episode of identity shift occurring in my adult life.

+++

The second angel encounter didn’t actually happen to me. My eldest daughter took a picture of my youngest daughter in our living room. Behind her, there is a clearly visible beam of light. It emanates from a spot that is in the middle of the floor: there is no lamp or other light source there at all. And when the picture is printed, the light fills the entire ceiling. Angels are big. Here is the picture:

I asked an excellent psychic (yes, I finally believe in them and visit them regularly, at least the ones who resonate with me) what was this light and she said simply, “An angel.”

5/13/16

Friday the 13th. What is it I fear? Not death. I don’t think so. It’s judgment. So, I want to thank everyone who has brought it to me and laid it on my doorstep. It was a weight I sought to carry. I carry it still. I’m considering shedding it. I mean, you know, if you’re gonna tell people about your lizard life, then you’d better be prepared for some serious being fucked with about it. So, look, here’s the thing:

true frontier

Spaceships are completely unnecessary. The way to get places, anywhere, everywhere is to go to the travel lanes in your mind. I’m always dreaming of driving.

Okay, I am journeying the unknown. It’s Columbus setting off west and not knowing if he would face an abyss. It was rumored he would. Brave soul.

[Speaking of explorers, if you want a weird movie that shows descent into madness, try Werner Herzog’s film Aguirre, the Wrath of God. That energy sticks with me still. Strange. Very strange the land of the mad. If you like bizarre, unsettling movies, this one’s for you.]

This is where we live. The land of the mad. In a state of complete unreality in which we have forgotten that we are light and we are love. In truth, we are the vibration that feels like love. Pamela Kribbe on her site jeshua.net says this is why forgetting was created. Love wanted to feel everything there is and through material experiencers, (i.e., everyone containing enough of the vibration of courage to try the Earth school), love can feel everything they do, and love wants to; that’s why we do this I think—to please the curiosity of our true selves.

Earth is the land of the brave. To agree to forget one’s divinity. To step into the complete unknown. Everyone of us here on earth did that. We are all very brave. And sorry to purists who would ditch all appeals to ego, this will sound like one, but I’ve read it often enough that I wonder if it isn’t the case: we got into the Harvard of soul schools. All of us. We’re in Harvard together. This is for the exceptionally brave and strong, this planet. To forget love and light. To hurt. To fear. Things unknown in our true home. We stepped into the gladiator ring by choice.

Well, here I am. To do what the divine asks of me. I have spent years, opening, seeking, looking for the divine. Hungry, thirsty for it. It’s what I want.

This is what the divine asks of me. Write. Tell story. Sing song. Okay. Will do. Got it.

The thing is, there is a big resistance in me. I am the 4 of Pentacles.

While there are different interpretations of this card, the interpretation I am focused on is that of grasping. I grasp my gown around me, miserly in a way, shut my door, and hide out. The great warrior of old does not wish to face his nemesis: judgment. At least not in this lifetime. So, I am that much more grateful for the good souls kind enough to bring me this meat I would not have but yet must do something with. Until I release it, it remains on my doorstep, rotting. The vultures will line my porch rails if I hold it to me any longer. Angels, I ask you to help me release it. I have not been able to figure out how despite much trying. Thank you.

Okay, now to start paying attention. I’ll report back on what happens.

+++

On that note, I promised to report back on Ren Faire. Fabulous. Highly recommended. Archery was quite fun. Wish to do more of that and will. Must get a bow and figure out arrows. I just want arrows, not parts that I have to put together myself, which is all I’ve found online so far. Haven’t the patience to shop just now. Attention bow and arrow marketers/packagers/entrepreneurs: please sell a kit with what is needed in a way that makes sense to shop. A kit for mature newcomers that explains what matters to shop for: tension of the bow; type of bow; a list somewhere with this and all material information in choice making and then checkboxes so you can deliver me the small list with thumbnails. Then I can pick the pretty one that fits my frame, arm strength and feels right. Okay? It’s just so complicated and I really want to get the right thing. So, I’ve given up for the moment: too much crap to figure out how to get the right thing.

Tessa was totally in her element. It was delightful. She was amazing. She flowed in a very joyful way with the energy of the Renaissance. I was completely enchanted. And so happy. Ella was happy. We were all happy. 3 of Cups. Yes!

I think Tessa was channeling Robin Williams. It sure looked like it; except mixed in with Tessa’s soul. She had that same ability to flow and stay in that other place for hours. It was amazing to observe. I marveled.

So, yes, that would be another home run for Lori Wheeler. Very glad I went.

Time to play some music.

5/16/16

Duh. So, with respect to judgment, the metaphor that came naturally was meat. And, what do you do with meat? You partake. I cannot release judgment until I first accept it. Otherwise, I am in a state of resistance, my focus upon avoidance of it (which is essentially focusing on it), rather than upon something else entirely. And, yes, we’ve heard it before (it’s trite at this point, but I’m putting it on a billboard anyway):

what you resist

Okay, guess I have to sidle up to a big buffet full of steam trays of judgment. Or, maybe I can just start with a little spoonful. I feel as though I’ve had plenty already. Well, maybe, that’s it. I already have partaken. Plenty.

I’m positive I’m here to work on this. My very first past life regression revealed that to me. I was very surprised. Surprised that a past life regression worked at all. I was newly awakened, just a few months out of the gate, and saw that The Aquarian Bookstore was holding a group past life regression. It was very reasonably priced so I thought what the heck and I went with my friend, Marie. I had never been hypnotized before so I didn’t expect anything. Well, actually, what I expected was to be sitting in a room with my eyes closed thinking, “I knew this wouldn’t work.” Wrong-o. I’m wondering if it’s the musician in me, but I go into trance readily. So, my first experience with hypnosis actually worked.

The normal sequence is for the hypnotherapist to guide you to a state of relaxation by having you focus upon each part of your body and relaxing it, then they give you guided imagery to take your thoughts down a flight of stairs or an escalator or an elevator, or backwards on a train, or deep into the woods, but always they are having you move in your thoughts and follow a trail. Then you open a door or go through a gate; the idea is you pass through a threshold and then you behold yourself. Often, the hypnotist sets parameters about the lifetime you are to see (for example, to remove a block, to visit a lifetime that provides you with a gift you use in this lifetime, etc.).

Joan Wash (Your Soul Source) led the first regression I did. When we crossed the threshold, she told us to look at our feet. I have never seen such pretty feet. When I saw them, I registered the thought, good God these are the prettiest feet I’ve ever seen. Then she had us look at the rest of ourselves. I was drop dead gorgeous. Seriously, prettier than any of the Disney princesses. And, you know, you have to be super fine looking to look prettier than they do. I was an Indian girl. I was barefoot. My skin was flawless. I wore traditional Indian garb. I had the sense that I was in the mountainous part of Virginia, near what is now Charlottesville. Something puzzled me though: I had red polish on my toe nails. Also, I had the feeling of being completely alone.

Joan said if you didn’t understand something you were seeing, you could ask your guide to help you understand. I didn’t even know I had a guide, but I asked to be helped to understand. The understanding came right away. This girl was alone not because her people had been massacred, not because she had runaway, not because she was the sole survivor of a plague: she was alone because she had been exiled. The anachronistic red polish was a metaphor for the reason she had been exiled. The subconscious, which in its depths holds all knowledge of past and future (those illusory states of the earth plane), communicates that way. The overwhelming feeling I had was that I had not done anything wrong. I did not feel remorseful for any action that others labelled as wrongdoing; I felt mistreated and unloved and abandoned.

So, I’m wondering if I have balanced that karma? I have been the betrayed wife in this life time. Yes, for a brief while I focused my thoughts (but only my thoughts and never my actions) on revenge and pay back, but I freed myself of that dark prison eventually. Tonight I just ate for dinner some leftover oatmeal that the woman my husband left me for made for our breakfast the other day when she dropped the kids off. It was delicious and I was grateful for her kindness. I bless them both and am grateful for the new life I have. I really like being alone. I like doing what I want to do. I like not answering to another.

I’m truly okay with my solitude.

I write music; I write this blog; I meditate; I activate my chakras; I send Golden Orb deeksha; I spend time with people I love.

I am glad they found each other. I am glad they are together. They wanted to be together. They felt a resonance in their energies. It is completely pointless to try to hold one to you who wishes to leave–for whatever reason it is they wish to go, be it wanderlust or love for another or just bored with you; the list of reasons for why people leave each other, I’m sure, is endless. Who cares: let them go in peace. Wish them well. I learned this after great suffering, all caused by my attitude. It has been a very fine lesson.

5/18/16

Alert. Alert. I cannot ignore this sign. It’s something like over a half dozen times that bison/buffalo has come up in the last week. The universe really wants me to understand that sign. I’ve seen it on tv, on cars; I’ve heard it mentioned in audiobooks I’ve checked out; it’s come up in some card readings (Animal Lords deck): it wants looking at. Also, a bluebird just about took my face off it flew so close to me today. And a bee landed on the windshield right in front of me. Two weekends ago I saw dead bees 4 times in one weekend and then my eldest daughter got a package of Feed A Bee flower seeds in the mail.

All right let’s see what this is all about.

Okay, have now checked Ted Andrews (Animal Speak), Ina Woolcott (shamanicjourney.com) and Avia Venefica (whats-your-sign.com). They seem to be pretty consistent. What is quite interesting is they all mention White Buffalo Woman. In my first reading with Mary Roach, a very talented and interesting intuitive reader, she said that I had White Buffalo Woman energy in my aura. (This does not mean I was White Buffalo Woman: it means I have characteristics of her energy signature in my energy–a resonance, as I’m sure many of us do). I like Ted Andrews’ keynote for bison: “Manifesting abundance through right action and right prayer.” It reminds me very much of something I was just listening to. I just checked out the audiobook of a book I read years ago called Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukov. It’s a new thought classic. He has a whole section on reverence. There’s a reason this message is all coming at the same time and that it is all consistent. I set my intention to be aware of the reverence I feel in my life on a daily basis. No wait a minute. I think it needs to be: I set my intention to be reverent on a daily basis. I’ll report back on how successfully I manifest this intention.

In a nutshell, bison energy is about gratitude for abundance and prosperity and about not pushing or forcing situations, but taking the easiest path, that is, going with the flow. Okay, I guess lately, in fact, a lot of the time, I try to set my life to an agenda of checklist items to get done. There are work lists, which I think are important to keep. This is a very good way to organize and achieve a large volume of work. At home, too, it’s important that I get my priorities accomplished every day: there are meals to cook, children to feed, dishes to clean, dogs to walk, lunches to pack, etc.

But, is the checklist the best way to approach my creative efforts? I seem to have an inner conflict on this point. I come at my creative work as I do everything else: with an expectation that all will be done in a timely manner. I am seeing that I have an underlying, heretofore unstated expectation that creative sparks can be put on a to do list, prioritized and completed in an efficient manner. But, how can it be? That just doesn’t feel like or sound like the best approach for inspired creativity.

Speaking of abundance: the list has no end. When the list is not finite, how can you put it in order? I am working actively on getting nearly two dozen songs done. There are easily that many more awaiting completion. And, I know if I just let myself sit in peace and quiet for an evening, more would come. And, that’s just the music. There’s this blog. And a novel that needs editing. More than plenty. I wind up with this feeling of inadequacy because it’s not all finished and done and polished and on display. I’m always in a state of slogging through it seems.

All right. This attitude needs amending. I have asked the angels to help me. They sent me this message. Bison. Take the easiest path: go with the flow. The bounty is endless. There is always an abundance of music to manifest and words to write. I will not run out nor will I get it all done. Let me find reverence for the moment I am in. Hmmm. Okay, let’s see if I can remember that the next time I’m feeling frustrated and as though I’m not getting enough done quickly enough.

Gratitude. Reverence. Endless abundance. In flow.

As for the bluebird, Ted Andrews again has a great keynote: “modesty, unassuming confidence and happiness,” which is consistent with Presley Love (universeofsymbolism.com) who mentions joy in simple pleasures and the fact that bluebirds are angel messengers. So, if you look in your life for the little modest treasures then I think that’s a way of showing reverence, isn’t it? A heartfelt hug and kiss from your child, a blazing metal riff written and performed by your teenaged son, a child not your own who calls you mom anyway, a new song, a new way to cook kale, a clean kitchen, a cool rainy spring day, a hilarious running text joke with your high schooler, a new kind of cookie, messages from the universe, I mean, speaking of endless abundance: I could go on and on and on. Life is good.

Bee I had looked up before when I kept seeing all those bees that weekend. My favorite animal symbol resource (as you must have guessed by now), Ted Andrews, says that because it took scientists so long to figure out how they fly, bees are symbolic of accomplishing the impossible because aerodynamically it doesn’t seem as though they should be able to fly. Okay, that’s good news, since, as I mentioned before, my to do list stretches to infinity.

They also stand for many things: the number 6 is significant to them as their hives are based on hexagons. My life path number is 6: it stands for responsibility. Hexagons also are symbolic of the heart. Bees obviously are symbols of fertility and community. I think the key for me is accomplishing the impossible.

5/19/16

Today has been so eventful I don’t know where to begin. So, since I’m paying attention to the signs the universe is sending, it’s not taking as many tries for the universe to get through to me. Bison/buffalo came probably a half dozen times or more before I finally heard the bell ring and took the time to look into it. Many times in my angel card readings it says pay attention to synchronicities. The bison lesson for me was go with the flow. Speaking of synchronicity, I heard this lesson again today, but from another source entirely: Anita Moorjani.

I listen to books on tape as I drive, because I do a lot of driving. I like Pema Chodron, Deepak Chopra, Malcolm Gladwell, Victoria Osteen, many others. In the last few days I have had a sharpening of an old vague desire to look into Anita Moorjani’s book on her near death experience. I had wished for an audiobook as I find I get more “reading” done that way. I checked and found one copy of an audiobook of “Dying to Be Me” at my nearest library. It was waiting for me. I believe it was time for me to finally receive her teaching. So, of course, the universe sent it at the perfect time.

What bison says is also what Anita Moorjani says. She said she knew she did not have to seek and struggle for her book to be published. Her vibration ran very high for a very long time and still does: she died and crossed over and got charged up with the vibration of another dimension that is of a higher frequency than this one. This gave her a certain peace and ability to know. This is just who she is now. So, she knew the divine would disperse the seed of her knowledge exactly as needed for her garden to grow as her garden will grow. She didn’t look for an agent or publisher. She did not fret. She kept writing and let the divine do its work. She went with the flow and took the path that felt easy; she moved in the flow that her soul, holding the rudder, glided into.

I also have been listening to Gary Zukov’s book Seat of the Soul, and found yet another connection with Anita Moorjani’s book. In contemplating Gary Zukov’s discussion, in holding up what I hear and weaving it in with the other learning I have found, I found myself formulating a new vocabulary to address other lives. They are not past lives. They are never over. They exist in other dimensions not visible to human eyes. Everything is forever.

everything is forever

So, what I have done in my “past life regressions” is I have used my third eye to see other lives my consciousness participates in wherever it is they are, forever and always, woven into the cosmic blanket as they are, a light, a frequency.

An element of this flow of events that is a point of focus for me is that I reached this understanding independent of reading Moorjani’s statement of her similar understanding. When I heard her communicate the same concept, it felt like an affirmation of my ability to synthesize understanding from all the studying I have done in the last 7 years. So, it seems like a new level of understanding is being reached in the ascension of energy happening here on earth. I believe as our resonance increases we begin to see more of the actuality of the inner workings of reality and I predict we will be able to train our human eyes to release the inhibitions that have impeded the viewing of other dimensions with the naked human eye. I have begun to catch glimpses of things that almost look like a little tear or aberration in the picture of the place where I am.

My goodness. What a strange day.

Oh, and crocodile/alligator has been sent 3 times in one day. Trying to figure it out. It has a larger significance for me than just today. I had a prophetic dream several years ago. I dreamt I was going to record in a studio in an area of Richmond called Oregon Hill. When I walked in, the studio looked like an old picture, like those early photos that were tinted brown rather than black and white. On the wall was a photograph of a crocodile with a stick holding its mouth open. A dog was putting his head very close to the crocodile’s mouth and barking into it. Years later I wound up recording in a studio in Oregon Hill. Interestingly, on a bookshelf in the upstairs, there is an old timey photograph of the ancestors of the studio owner.

Today’s crocodile/alligator appearances were: (1) my daughter’s comment to her brother’s story. He reported a gruesome tale of the school bus hitting a squirrel, causing its corpse to fly past him, and his surprise that it seemed big as a cat. Her reply was that squirrels are actually as big as alligators but from far away they seem small. (2) I was scanning the headlines of the local paper in the break room and there was a story on a Science Museum exhibit with the question “Can a man outrun an alligator?” and a matching picture. (3) I did a reading using the beautiful Kris Waldherr Sacred World Oracle cards and one of the cards I pulled out of the deck of 44 cards was the crocodile.

Ahem. As I sit here writing today’s entry, I think I just saw the spirit of a dog I’d completely forgotten about until he just stopped by. Michael. He was my mother’s dog. He looked like that dog they used to use in the Target ads. The white one with the long nose and red circle painted around his eye. An English Bull Terrier. He was a sweet boy. I’m so glad he came here. He knows he’s welcome. Dear little darling. Very sweet unassuming nature he had. Gentle.

Okay, so now check this out. All these interesting understandings are coming to me and as I rounded the bend while I was out walking the dogs earlier this evening, I could not believe how bright the sun was. It has never been so bright. Big and blinding. So different from its usual appearance that I decided to take a picture of it. I knew there was something up. Here it is:

Sun

Now tell me: don’t you see a red circle in this picture? What on earth? What does that red circle mean? Or maybe it’s not symbolic . . . could the circle in the picture be Michael?

And I’m still trying to intuit the most meaningful of the many meanings crocodile holds. The ones that I think apply are: creativity, birth and clairvoyance. And also, patience and concealment, revealing oneself only when ready to act.

5/20/16

This Kris Waldherr Sacred World Oracle deck is the bomb. This is too beyond crazy. I am now fully paying attention to synchronicity. When anything repeats, especially unusual things, I stand up and take notice. So, this is a big deck and requires that I use the Doreen Virtue method of shuffling and selecting cards (it’s more a mixing than a shuffling and pulling out the cards that make themselves prominent to you by sticking up). In using that technique (instead of right off the top, which is how I do it with smaller decks), I wound up with a 5 card reading: that was how many wanted me to pluck them. Interesting that two from last nite reappeared despite very thorough mixing. Chimera, Water. Then 3 cards came out together: Salamander, Dolphin, Fire.

In my new Animal Lords deck that I got at the Renaissance Faire, there is a card with prominent red salamanders. Quite beautifully drawn, so one definitely takes notice of them, despite the fact that they are not the central element of the card’s meaning. In fact, they are what I remember of that card.

Just today, I heard someone say (my son? an audiobook? a magazine?) dolphins want to leave the earth and will be going extinct. Then this evening my daughter told me the story of the tourists who killed a baby dolphin passing it around for pictures outside the water (trying so hard here not to judge, really want to blame, curse, call names and express general anger and disgust, this is a tough situation to avoid being judgmental). Then tonite I pull the Dolphin card.

Then, this just slays me, in the Fire card, the story of Prometheus is discussed (the guy who gave fire to humans, so the Gods had an eagle eat his liver out as punishment). Just in the last week I was recalling a shamanic journey I took at the local new age book store in which I had shapeshifted into an eagle and in the paper earlier today I saw a plate of these weird boiled eggs and liver pate in a picture that went with a restaurant review. So, bottom line, I think I’d better see what these cards are communicating, as the universe has indicated I should pay attention.

The Chimera is a bunch of disparate parts of other animals all put together. I have read they did this kind of Island of Dr. Moreau thing in Atlantis when they got bored (Dolores Cannon’s research). Apparently, they achieved such mastery in their manifestation work that they became bored and indifferent, which ultimately expressed as cruelty, with experiments such as minotaurs and chimeras and centaurs. Hmmm. But, in the description in the companion information with the deck, Waldherr ascribes, among others, meanings of balance and creativity. Putting disparate parts together and making a whole. I’ll be doing that as I record some of my songs. Some of them have the Frankensteinian quality of having to be patched together since they are of different beats per minute within the same piece. I’m not aware of a programmable metronome with footswitch for easy changing where you need it. It probably does exist though. I’m not hassling with hunting it down and figuring it out though.

Water: Waldherr says emotions, psychic energies, intuition, empathy. Okay. All that applies.

Salamander: Waldherr says a quiet creature who basks in sunny spots, content, renewed by warmth. Nice. Yes. Quiet contentment. I’ll have a plateful of that please.

Dolphin: Divine guidance, greater intelligence, unexpected help. Oh, yes. Ready!!! Bring it. I sure hope I recognize it while it’s happening. I would so love to enjoy it while it’s happening, rather than figuring it out later (which sometimes happens).

Fire: she says looks for areas where you can make energetic change and embrace with passion.

That is happening right now. There’s a song I’ve been working on for about 2 years. Finally, it is coming together. And, it is materially different than the previous songs I’ve done. It’s basically a jam song. Very interesting. In playing it, I can find myself shooting a curl. In my mind, I am in the blue tunnel, riding a board smooth and uninterrupted in the tunnel of blue water. I’m sound surfing. It is so much fun. I am really loving this song. It feels definitely like a change from where I’ve been and how I’ve played. Very interesting.

Anita Moorjani made note of the perfect timing of the divine, if you simply allow, and do not pursue and struggle. Struggle blocks manifestation. Struggle is the energy of not having. The universe is literal. It gives you what you are. Allowing comes from a letting go and trusting that whatever happens is meant to and will happen exactly when you allow it to by trusting all comes when it should and then letting go. I do not find myself 100% letting go. There are struggles in my thought and feelings still. That is the part of me glad to come to earth to explore: the mysterious paths of soul evolution.

Here’s a mystery: why did I dream I was locked in a house watching a black and white tv screen with Joe Walsh singing and playing (all I can think of is Rocky Mountain Way). Hmmm. What in the world could that mean? Ohhhhhh. Eagle. That’s where the other eagle reference came from: my dream. I dreamt about one of the Eagles. Mmmm. That’s probably why that shamanic journey that I did months ago was on my mind. Okay, so did I finish analyzing those cards? The Joe Walsh dream was the synchronicity starting place (or maybe the shamanic journey was the start) and this card reading is another stepping stone to cross this water.

When I look at the spread, I think it’s all good. I have divine guidance, and right now it’s saying to me: don’t judge struggle and treat it as though it is to be avoided. If you are presently in a state of struggle, approve of yourself for taking your journey exactly as you take your journey. Tranquility is no better a state than struggle. Tranquility gets bored with tranquility and seeks struggle for a break from all the peace and quiet of tranquility which can be maddeningly quiet after too terribly long. Balance. Chimera. All the weird parts make for one very exotic being: this blanket of energy that is the truth of who we are is exceedingly lovely and varied, no thread the same. Each strand, unique and breathtakingly perfect. Journey as you journey.

                                      JOURNEY

     AS

               YOU

JOURNEY

The resonance of your consciousness creates a vibration unique to you that is needed to fill the one note heaven wrote just for you that fills to brimming the celestial sound of the cosmos. It makes its own light with a color like no other.

5/21/16

Figured out the red circle: something was saying to me sun dog. So I looked up sun dog. Is the sun dog Michael or was my brain sending Michael to get me to look up sun dog? Here’s what Wikipedia has to say:

Sun dogs are commonly caused by the refraction of light from plate-shaped hexagonal ice crystals either in high and cold cirrus or cirrostratus clouds or, during very cold weather, drifting in the air at low levels, in which case they are called diamond dust.[4] The crystals act as prisms, bending the light rays passing through them with a minimum deflection of 22°. As the crystals gently float downwards with their large hexagonal faces almost horizontal, sunlight is refracted horizontally, and sun dogs are seen to the left and right of the Sun. Larger plates wobble more, and thus produce taller sundogs.[5]

Sun dogs are red-colored at the side nearest the Sun.

5/22/16        Synchronous Synchronicities

I have had an accelerated journey in the last two days. A bunch of loose ends came together in my understanding. Moorjani gives a great analogy of how being human places such a limitation upon our awareness that it is as though we are in a giant warehouse full of wonderful and amazing things but there is no light on, so all we can see is what the single flashlight beam of our consciousness allows and we thereby miss 99.99% of what is actually there. I am discovering that synchronicity acts like a flash light beam from the other side, focusing our attention on places that normally would be in the dark to us.

The appearance of the spirit of Michael, the English Bull Terrier, who looks like the Target dog prompted me to look up what the red circle was. A sun dog. Sun dog reminded me of Sky Dog, the nickname of Duane Allman. Duane Allman also showed up in the recent dream I had about Joe Walsh. In the dream, I was locked in a little house. In the first room I went to, Duane Allman was playing on an old timey black and white TV (with a tube, not a flat screen). (I had forgotten who was on this first TV until I just now put the pieces together that sun dog was trying to tell me Sky Dog wanted to get through to me.) I then went to a second room where Joe Walsh was singing and playing on the same kind of old timey black and white TV.

I have an interesting history with Duane Allman. I was trying to learn Little Martha and making some progress but not closing the deal. I have read that spirits on the other side can hear everything said to or about them. On the other side, we return to our state of love and light (usually: I have read of exceptions that I’m sure at some point I’ll wind up discussing.) So, I figured it was okay to ask Duane Allman to please help me learn Little Martha. At the time that I asked, one of the kids was in the tub and nearly had a heart attack. There is a light over the tub that hasn’t worked in the 15 years we’ve been in this house. It flickered on right after I asked Sky Dog to help me.

So, Sky Dog helps me and came to see me in my dream and brought me an eagle. These are very good signs, but there’s more.

I went to see the No BS Brass Band with my friends last night. We ate at a Carytown restaurant called The Daily before we went. On the way there, I saw blue herons flying across the sky on two different roads. After the lesson of the bison, twice is enough. I looked up blue heron. I believe the applicable discussion in the circumstances I presently find myself is found in Avia Venefica’s site, www.whats-your-sign.com. She said herons are loners that socialize comfortably when they need to. There are activities in which they do better in partnerships. Nest building, for example. So, part of its lesson is to recognize when you need help.

Additionally, both eagle and heron relate to crossing between worlds, and of being in a state that allows for that. So, I see it as sign regarding understanding and receipt of what other dimensions and worlds have to share.

Another synchronicity we noticed was that one of my friends, who is a fantastic singer, and I both have had vocal issues lately, with loss of our singing voices occurring sometimes. Neither of us have had this problem before.

These synchronicities have led me to a surprising understanding. The Sacred World oracle reading I discussed above indicated that I would I be receiving divine guidance. As I listened to the songs I am presently working on, I realized that my voice just doesn’t sit comfortably in all of them. In some it’s just fine. In others, there’s just not a comfortable, easy flow with the song (remember, bison urges ease). I plan to try them in a different key to see if I can get that flow, but if not, I am considering for the first time in several years working with other singers. In my earliest endeavors, others did all the singing and I did none.

I believe heron was the confirmation that this is the correct interpretation of the signs I’ve received. There are times when you need to work with others. Songwriter first, singer more as a necessity than anything, I am strongly inclined to see justice done to the song. No BS had multiple band members step forward and sing. They retained consistency in the feel of their music even with multiple singers, and each song got the right vocal sound that complimented it.

Joe Walsh has a singular voice. When it works well with a song, it’s exactly the right sound for it. But, it’s not a voice that works with a large variety of songs. In listening to the collection I’m working on now, I would say a similar situation is true for me. On some of the songs (in particular, the weird, heavy ones), my voices works well. On the light, happy pieces, not so much. I’ll try them in another key to see if that corrects the coming up short that I hear in them. If not, I guess I’ve got “an energetic change” that I must “embrace with passion” per the Fire card, which featured the eagle story. I may need to seek partnerships to build the songs up right.

Sometimes synchronicities are a reflection of the energetic vibration our being emits attracting like vibrations, thus causing us to experience similar repeated observations. Synchronicities also can be connections that express messages from other dimensions where the breadth of perception is much greater. Very interesting set of synchronicities to get that point across. It took a lot of attention and thought for me to grasp it, just as an eagle would its prey. An eagle’s sight is 8 times greater than human sight per Ted Andrews.  (See end note 3.)  This little journey of understanding I just travelled took much greater focus on the messages coming to me in the physical world than I have previously applied. This also is another element of heron medicine. Heron will stand stock still for long periods of time watching for its next meal. Patiently, it watches from the world of the air into the world of the water, one world to another.

Thanks, Sky Dog, for the suggestion from your world. Noted, and I will see to it in my actions in this world. Your world to my world. One world to another.

At dinner before the concert, my girlfriends and I invented the term “epissamies” for the epiphanies you get while peeing. An epissamie that I had in the toilet at The Daily was that unbeknownst to myself, I had stopped enjoying creating music. I didn’t realize this until I started working with someone who helped me to find my love for music again. I’m not sure why I found this love I had lost without knowing it, not sure exactly the details of my current path that caused me to have this recognition, but I see it now. This mirrors my spiritual journey. I did not know I was an atheist until I wasn’t one anymore. Now, you see, how spirit remains part of my every waking, sleeping and dreaming moment.

All this clue sorting out makes me feel like an Army scout or an Indian tracker. I like this frontier. It’s fun.

To close our wonderful evening last nite, the three of us decided that fun is fun and we’ll be having more of it.

 

5/23/16

Oh, dear. I set my intention several days ago to be reverent on a daily basis. I completely forgot about that. Okay, sigh, I’ll try again.

5/24/16

New Age manifestation instructions in their simplest form boil down to this: picture what you want (your goal, your destination, your heart’s desire); feel it as though it’s actually already happening; figure out only a single simple step that’s easy for you that you can take toward that result; take that step; then figure out another one; take that step; each day taking just a minute to picture and feel what you want, and making consistent regular effort toward your desired result. Try to feel as much love as possible throughout if you want to speed things up.

I guess I’m going to go slow for awhile. It’s not love I need to feel right now. It’s hate. It is time for me to stop resisting that which I deem unacceptable. It’s in me, acceptable or not. It’s time to get real. I don’t see how I can raise up my vibration until I release that weight.

So, before I step any further down the landmine strewn path of hate, I will picture my destination. There is love at the end of this path. I’m sure of it. I will picture the ones I hate in another dimension at a much higher vibration than this one, in that place where we are light and love. They will feel the grief and pain they have caused me, just as I will feel the grief and pain I caused them. They will feel my pain as though it is their very own pain. I will feel their pain as though it is my very own pain. Every discomfort of each other we will share. We will partake of every morsel of experience we fed the other. And, we will each of us wish the other progress in our ascension. This is what is already exists in some other dimension, where the illusion of time does not hamper perception.

Moorjani says we could never conceive of hurting one another in that plane. Michael Newton says that in that plane, we study the lifetimes we experienced as incarnate beings; we examine our choices, see what it is we have left to learn in the perfect balancing of the light and dark of our souls so that we may come to that point that Kribbe has called the Christ consciousness. From the light to the dark and then finding at last the fulcrum in the middle, this is the journey apparently we take as that part of the universal consciousness that evolves on earth. I have come to a new understanding: it is not light that we seek. Perfect balance of light and dark is what we seek. This is a time in which many of us have experienced enough incarnations that this balance is within our reach. The new earth is the dimension where that balance is the norm. I believe the new earth evolves without our noticing it in any singular event or set of events. There is no date associated with it, no prophesy or single prophet who brings it. All of us bring it, and a time comes in which you notice in your own life, all is well. This is how Dolores Cannon has described it. The negativity falls away from your existence. Disasters happen on TV but are not a real part of your life. And, you reach a point at which you no longer care to watch the disasters happen on TV either.

I understand that this theory of spiritual evolution means I cannot avoid stepping onto the dark path, no matter how negatively I judge it. Moorjani says do not judge the darkness in yourself. Unconditionally love and approve of yourself. It is time for me to descend into the valley of darkness, fearlessly, being myself in my truth.

So I am on the dark part of the spectrum now in some parts of my journey. In my mind’s eye, I see my destination; know that when I get there, I will feel sympathy for those I now hate. They will hurt just as I have. I will know that pain having born it incarnate and for right now . . . for right now I somehow have to get myself to that place where my sympathy flourishes, from this place of hate. Pure hate. And what feels like a very lot of it. I have finally let myself step forward into this dark truth. I cannot get to that destination of light and unconditional love without first traversing this path.

It seems as though it will be a long journey, and I don’t know how long until I get to the end of the road. I have a lot more hating to do. I have suppressed it for so long. I mean to finish with it now. Let myself feel it. Really feel it, until I’m good and done with it. Then I can let it go.

There are people I hate so much I can’t stand looking at people who look like them. That’s a pretty heavy hate. This isn’t going to be much fun. I have to stop with this nicey nice way of living, always talking myself out of dark moods and feelings. They must have expression if I am ever to be free.

5/25/16

I went to see a healer today. Probably the most significant healer in my life. I first started working with her about 25 years ago. We recently figured out that she has hawk as a totem animal. Not surprisingly, she is quick and precise in her discernment. Clear visioned. I’m very grateful for her healing arts, practiced so fluidly and beautifully and efficaciously in my life. A bounty from the universe she is. My world is filled with such bounty. The universe wishes me to heal. I accepted a journey of heavy pain when I incarnated into this lifetime. Yesterday I thought the path forward would be very hard and this pain would endure. But, today, after an hour’s worth of clarity and understanding from this hawk medicine healer, I believe the beast hate will leave me much sooner than I had thought possible.

5/26/16

Okay, and here’s the downhill part of the roller coaster. Again I find myself questioning this writing pursuit. I feel so much resistance. My fear of judgment is a significant obstacle to my desire to share my story. I know that my devotion to spirit and my courage, which thankfully is in plentiful supply, are strong enough to stand down this fear. But, let me tell you, this fear is strong and very real, and very much a lead role in the play called my life.

5/29/16

I believe one of the pathways I am asked to shine light on is healing hate. I think that’s one of the reasons I’ve had to experience it so profoundly. Most interestingly, I have been led to just the video for this tonite. The path to it was quite odd: my eldest daughter made me close my eyes while she searched and started a Youtube video. She said it’s her new theme song and that it explains everything: Cliff Richards’ “Devil Woman.” (Yes, I am aware there is a special place in hell for miscreants who plant earworms such as this. Move over, Satan, here I come.)

Because I watch so many spiritual videos and music videos, the recommended videos on my Youtube screen are usually of that nature. In the recommended list on the Cliff Richards page was this Teal Swan video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6xCjY39_t0. If you can’t get it to come up through the link, search Youtube with the following: Teal Swan Fuck the Law of Attraction.

Her way of talking is much more intellectual than the way my understandings speak themselves into my head, but she says something in this video that I have come to understand recently. Bottom line is: everything is exactly as it should be, so neither I nor anyone else should criticize themselves for having negative life experiences, dark feelings, hardship or unhappiness of any kind. You and I are having exactly the experience we are having. Judge it not. If you choose to judge, consider choosing not to judge yourself for judging. I could continue with this mind fuck if you’d like. But, what I’m going to do is try to apply this to the situation at hand: I wish to transform hate to love. This is the alchemy I wish to achieve. Step one is not to feel shame for feeling hate. Not hating myself or lowering my self esteem because I have engaged in the act of hating. I am not less because of this. I am not more. I just am.

And for you law of attraction purists, Ms. Swan’s video provides an eloquent and ingenious analysis of this simple observation: what ever is happening is meant to be just as it is, good, bad or ugly; know that God is in all things, this moment, good, bad or ugly, included. Even in your pain, all is well. In the end, you’ll see the good of it.

The good of it, each and every time in my experience, has been faith. I personally surrender it up to my angels when my human mind cannot think of a way to end painful situations I am experiencing, being human, and given that humans avoid pain and seek pleasure. So, it is through suffering that I have come to have a bond with spirit that is as much a part of myself as breathing. And, yes, spirit answers my call for help every time. It is for me to keep my eyes, ears and mind open to receive the guidance. This requires tuning into synchronicity. That is how I come to sort out spirit message from the multitude of visual, mental, auditory and sensory inputs I receive in every waking second. Synchronicity scatters the trail of bread crumbs that leads me from the dark of the forest into the open air of clarity.

5/31/16

This is the last entry for the first installment of Good Bumper Sticker. I write it from a recliner in which I will be spending the night, in the pediatric ICU, with my daughter who has just had a very successful surgery to correct spinal problems. I am very happy. The surgery went well and she feels good. I brought with me the Jane Roberts channeled book, Seth Speaks. I am so gratified. First, I have been reading it aloud to my daughter, who has enjoyed it as much as I have I think. And, this is the biggie, there is something I figured out on my own that Seth told Jane Roberts back in 1970 when she channeled this book. The Everything is Forever concept that I set out above was stated in Seth Speaks. It was put a bit differently, but the concept is the same. As was the concept that we are each a unique consciousness, formless, an intelligent energy.

This book is rocking me totally. No wonder Mike Dooley (www.tut.com) changed his life after reading it. And Mike Dooley in turn helped change my life. He certainly made me happier. My friend Amy told my friend Mary who told me that you can subscribe for daily inspirational messages called Notes from the Universe. These messages have meant so much to me over the years. They’re the nudge you need sometimes to keep going and not lose faith.

I have heard this so many times and here it is again front and center in Seth Speaks: we create our own reality. Every bit of it.

I can take this concept in intellectually, but it doesn’t resonate practically, emotionally, psychologically or spiritually. It is words on a page. I don’t know how to take that concept and make it real. I don’t know how to believe it with any of the parts of myself except the part that learns spelling words and how to do long division. I need more of me to get it to be able to actually do anything with it.

So, I intellectually get it, but I don’t “feel” it. Even if I did feel it, exactly what is it I want? Sometimes I think I know some things I want, but I never feel as though I’m entirely sure of what I want. What do I want? What do you want? Are you sure you want it? If you get what you want, are you going to want the consequences in every part of your life that getting what you think you want will bring you? This is where I am. And, thinking about all that seems like quite a lot of effort.

For today, I will try to focus on a piece of advice from Seth Speaks, because it mirrors advice I have received frequently from Doreen Virtue’s angel card readings: take play time seriously. Play.

Maybe that will make next steps easier to intuit. I’ll report back on this with next month’s posting.

+++

End Notes:

1Photo credit: A. L. B.

2The path of breadcrumbs that got me here in the most direct form (from no knowledge to this understanding) is Mary Ann Winkowski, Betty Eadie, Dannion Brinkley, Dr. Raymond Moody, Dr. Brian Weiss (Many Lives), Michael Newton (Journey of Souls), Robert Schwartz (Your Soul’s Gift), Pamela Kribbe at jeshua.net, in that order.

3 8 is a number of infinity, as it has no end or beginning, and is also the name of my second CD.

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