June, 2016

cropped-gbs41.pngJune 1, 2016

I believe one of the important communications I am to share is the technique I learned to transform hate into love. As I discussed in the first month’s posting of this blog, I experienced hate and rage in connection with the end of my marriage. I focused these feelings upon the woman my husband left me for. Although I had awakened a little over two years before the time I learned my husband wished to leave the marriage, that news sent me back to the Stone Ages emotionally. A darkness descended upon me that no amount of spirituality seemed to penetrate. It was the greatest challenge I have faced in my adult life.

I could not bear the thought of this woman. The mention of her name, the sight of her name, anything at all connected to her or her name sent me into a state of rage and anger. I spent roughly two years seething. That is a long time to foster a feeling that powerful.

It was burdensome. And draining. It required a great deal of my mental, emotional and spiritual resources to keep that fire stoked. I grew so weary of reacting with feelings of rage. After two years of carrying that heavy weight, one night I finally surrendered.

I gave up. I recognized my powerlessness to reform my feelings, but I was so weary of them. As much as I hated her, it was smothering me to bear hate of that intensity. So, in all earnestness I sent a thought to my angels. I confessed to them my helplessness. Again, in all earnestness, I asked them for help. I asked them to heal my hate.

Within a day or so, a thought came into my mind. Out of the blue. The thought was this: I would limit my response to the thought of this woman, to the mention of her name, to anything connected to her. When she came into my consciousness, I would allow myself only one response.

There is a picture of me from my honeymoon. It was taken on a beach in Maine. I was wearing a coolie hat I had brought home from a trip to China. This photograph was a head shot of me in this hat, my face set against a clear blue sunny sky, smiling broadly. The image radiates happiness.

The thought the angels sent me was this: whenever she entered my conscious thought, I was to picture her face in this same picture. Her face would be set against a bright blue sunny sky. She would look and feel radiantly happy and healthy.

I understood this thought to be of divine origin. In the months that followed, I adhered to this thought, failing on only a couple of occasions. The vast majority of the time, whenever I thought of her or heard or saw her name, I allowed myself this image and feeling as my only response.

So, I just turned off everything else, and turned this thought on. It was a matter of discipline. Like sticking to a diet or exercising even when you don’t feel like it. Or taking the time to brush and floss your teeth when you just want to go straight to bed.

It worked. Turning off all conscious thought, removing words, removing names, just allowing myself this one vision with this one type of feeling in it changed the energy. It was transformational. I cannot pinpoint the moment when it flipped the energy, but after a period of months, I was able to allow the children to go to their father’s new home with her. By Christmas, two years after I learned of the end of my marriage, I stood in my kitchen and made Christmas dinner with the woman my husband left me for.

Hallelujah!

That qualifies as a miracle!

Some miracles take time.

some miracles

Patience and devotion are the angel magic you use to make miracles like that.

patience

Funny, the first thing Winnie said to me when she came to the house for the first time after the divorce was, “Thanks for not killing me.”

At this point, I am the one who says thanks. I say thank you from the bottom of my heart to my teacher, Winnie, a brave soul. In fact, there are tears in my eyes as I write this. The journey I have taken has been so intense. The transformation so remarkable. Because this soul had the courage to love. And to be true to her heart, even when the risk was great.

She is a bringer of light. She led me to the gate of angels, where I received the divine assistance I needed to move from deep darkness back to light. She gave me reason to need to ask heaven for help. My soul mates, my ex-husband and his now second wife, brought me to a state of surrender. It was an excellent journey, and challenging though it may be, I highly recommend it.

surrender

If you’re not about angels, you don’t have to surrender it to them. Just surrender however you like to do it. It was so hard to tear away a part of me that looked at the world the way I did that formed the me I was then. I do believe surrender is a necessary ingredient for shedding those extra challenging demons.

And, quite paradoxically, when you stop fighting, when you give it up, and in my case, beg the almighty for help, you win. You defeat the demon by discontinuing the fight.

You lay down the weapons hurt hearts use: judgment, condemnation, belittlement, spite, anger, rage, scorn, gossip, backstabbing, pettiness, insult. The list goes on, as you know.

And you make a choice to do something else with your thought. I sent not only vision, but I believe even more importantly, feeling. I created in my head space a positive feeling for a person I believed I despised. I really did just turn off the engine in whatever mental vehicle was driving me to hate. I turned it off by choosing something instead of hateful thought. I replaced hateful thought with a better thought that would bring peace to my soul because it allowed me to feel a feeling of happiness for another and in so doing feeling it for myself. I made it easy: I limited myself to one specific choice as my one and only response. It was a slender fairy lit lifeline thrown down to the bottom of the dark well. And though it may seem a thin thread, it had the strength of steel.

I clung to it, and a force very high and very light pulled me up into a new personality. It is only recently that I discovered another dimension of it. That positive feeling that I first created as a matter of conscious and disciplined choice, that feeling that started in my head, finally, much later, completed its saturation of my heart space. So, now my heart space has caught up to my head space. I feel true compassion for Winnie, as I do for all those I love. I wish her peace and happiness in her life.

My brave old soul mate has served me well, and I hope I have served her well in return.

The other side of identity shifts can be marvelous!

(See end note 1.)

6/2/16

I already know that a lot of people, were they to read the entry from yesterday, would simply not accept it. I have found that most cling to their conditioning and judgment. I do not condemn or judge them for this. I understand. I am quite surprised myself by the journey I have taken. I’m glad for it, but much of my life has seemed surreal since my consciousness shifted the day I looked at those pictures that removed all doubt about the afterlife. Since then, I am able to believe pretty much anything and everything. If you can say it or think it or feel it, then it’s real. We create instantly. Thought, word, deed, feeling: all of these are the paint brushes of creation.

The material world is the most convincing falsehood. I’m sitting here mouthing that statement because I’ve read it so consistently among the spiritual literature, that I’ve accepted it as a concept, but as I look out of the window in this moment, I have to say, that tree out there looks pretty real. And, these fingers of mine on this keyboard, well, they look pretty real too.

I think the main benefit of contemplating the physical world as the unreality and the invisible world as the reality is that it lets me access awareness much more easily. When I am in a moment of a feeling that doesn’t feel good, anxiety, fear, judgment, anger, irritation, (we all know this list and all the other not good feelings I won’t bother naming), I have gotten much better at tuning into my awareness and saying to myself: you’re feeling ________ (fill in the blank with feeling du jour). Rather than just getting lost in it and playing out the old unconscious dramas, I am at least at a place where I can step outside of it and give it a name. Not 100% of the time, but a lot of the time.

I want to get good at feeling true compassion and understanding for the other parties involved in whatever those momentary uncomfortable feelings are. Not judging them, not reacting to them in a negative way. Still working on that, but hey, if I can get there with Winnie, I’m really hoping to expand that to humanity at large.

I suppose the next step is to deal with all that hate I discussed in my recent entry from last week or so. What caused me to recognize that I carried hate was a photograph. Someone showed me a picture of some of their family members who looked like someone I know and this is a someone who I must confess, I feel hate for. I am not going to say some feel-good new age touchy feely thing, because it would be a lie. I have a strong reaction of hate to people who even look like this person I hate. I couldn’t stand to look at that picture and I had never even met those people.

This is where the healer I went to see was very helpful. She suggested that I was experiencing transference, that is, a connecting of an old embedded feeling to these people I don’t know well enough to have that strong a reaction to. So, we looked at the behaviors in particular that bothered me. First, the intention to hurt me. Second, sneakiness and deceit. Third, the lack of consequences for such misconduct. So, where, when, did circumstances of that nature first occur in my life?

That was easy. For some, hypnosis is required to figure this out. But, for me, the relentless prejudice I experienced from about 2nd grade all the way into college formed the basis of the transference. I was raised in the 60’s and 70’s in the South. I am half Asian half Caucasian. My parents had to go to D.C. to marry because it was illegal for them to marry at that time in Virginia. It was a very different world from the world I live in today. But, it was a world that shaped my feelings and my view of and relationship to humanity.

(Synchronicity note: as I write this, it is 9:19 p.m. 9/19 was the day I was informed my marriage was done. It signifies important change to me. I think writing about this will be transformative in some way.)

6/6/16

It has been four days since my last spell of writing.  A different thread of thought presents itself.  The other thread will return to the spotlight when the time is right.

For today, I find myself thinking about one of the songs I put off. It was sort of done. I thought it was done. Now I know it needs some adjusting and finishing, polishing. It’s called Self Loathing.

There is something I seek. So maybe when I finally let this song come into being, I can then let it go. If this were someone else’s book and they were going to write the summary paragraph at the end of the chapter, they would write:

She among other things, sought a higher vibration, because it felt closer to God, more in the light, more peaceful, more loving. Those feelings so deep they were part of her skin such that she no longer saw them, these she sensed, these she must shed, their invisible weight she had come to feel. By letting them have their moment in the spotlight, thanking them for the lesson she sought that they brought, feeling gratitude for the growth and understanding their darkness gave her (see end note 2), by singing out these feelings as she had learnt to do from the master sound healers of anger, Alice In Chains, perhaps she could now shed sadness. Underneath anger lies sadness. Now then, she made it, though invisible, accessible to being “seen” by hearing it, by calling it out, finding its bedrock in the pattern of the movement of her fingers on the fretboard. By letting the feeling have its song, it could fly the nest and allow another lesson to come into the void its leaving created, that place awaiting a new creation, the black place from which all thought is born. We never run out of them. Under sadness will lie another layer to peel back. The supply is endless and we are eternal.

I look forward to a higher, lighter vibration. I feel pulled to it like nails to a magnet. I think we just keep getting purer. There is no end to the spectrum is there? Or is there? Hmmmm.

Is there a whitest white, a darkest dark, a goldest gold? Or is there only ever whiter white and darker dark and golder gold? Another hmmmmm.

let it have its song

I realize I’m likely to start throwing steps and elements around like the best of the self-help writers. But, I have to say, in looking back, it was singing out my feelings that was an important early healing step. It helped keep me out of jail. An instant relief valve for powerful feelings. I’ve heard hearing or singing a sad song helps people to feel happier. Hmmmm. So, angry songs calm you? I think they did me. Let those hard feelings have their song. Or whatever it is you do to release them. Songs actually carry them on a current of breath out of your body.

music heals

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saint yourself

Isn’t this weird? I woke up with that in my head one morning beaming into my conscious thought. I thought, “What in the world?” Do I take it at face value? Do you? Should we? Can we? How many more questions shall I ask? Are you sick of this yet? I live with a middle school boy, and his friends come over a lot; there is a part of my personality that is exactly that. I could go on being as aggravating as any hungry mosquito, which is essentially the degree to which middle school boys pester everyone in their vicinity. But, I did finally grow up, so I’ll lay off at some point soon. But not right now.

Okay, now.

Just kidding.

This is my life, not kidding, this kind of conversation fills my world daily. It is too ridiculous and funny. These are the sweet times. I really enjoy the people in my life. I am grateful for them.

Even the ones for whom I have experienced hate. These may be my greatest teachers. It is the most shameful for me to admit, the most unpleasant for me to feel, that which I would always wish to disown in myself. So, time to stand and cast a spell and make some magic. I set my intent to transform hate to love.

I will slay this dragon hate; I will face down this demon. Now, if I were going to apply the Mother Teresa perspective to it, I would say: I will feed this cute baby panda love, and hug my angels. Or would she put it some other way? I guess Mother Teresa never actually made cute baby panda references. Well, would she say: I will send a Christmas card to this demon and wish it a cheery good morning every day? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I’m confusing myself at this point. Right now I’m feeling like a warrior. That’s just the way it is. I’m not feeling nun-like right now. Nevermind about figuring out the way nuns think.

Step one of any change, I believe is this (thank you, Matt Kahn): set your intent. State it out loud. Write it down. Bring it into material plane reality. Do not leave it sitting in that place in your head. If you don’t know what your intent is and you want to know, make it your intent to discover your intent.

I have fully healed hate once before. I can say honestly where there was once hate there is now love and compassion and understanding and forgiveness.

Again, as Pamela Kribbe explained so lucidly, when we move back up the spectrum, from the dark places in our hearts, our souls guide us to that point of perfect balance between dark and light. Without one, there cannot be the other. Each knows itself by the other.

sow love

I did it once. I will do it again. Until I don’t need to do it anymore.

I set my intent to clear hate from my garden and sow only love in my life.

6/7/16

I have been letting myself freely send light to others just exactly as it strikes my intuition in the moment I am sending it. Everybody gets the golden orb light, but sometimes other kinds of light go with it. Green sometimes. Pink glowing light. Bright white. Soft blue. Inky indigo. Just whatever seems to want to be there, I picture it emanating from the core of the person receiving it and/or surrounding the person in a soft glow or a shining starburst, whatever the person receiving it seems to call for I picture and thereby send. Words are not needed at all. The colors carry an energy. Love is pink. Vision is indigo. Understanding, violet. Wisdom, violet. Healing, green. Security, red. Creation, orange. Spirit, yellow, white and gold. Voice, sky blue.

I seem able to do this even for those with whom I struggle to find peace and love. For those for whom I feel judgment, resentment, abhorrence, disgust, hate.

I must admit, I have not been able to apply the Winnie technique for some for whom my abhorrence is especially strong. I don’t want them wearing my hat, damn it! Now and then I can do it, but there are times when I don’t want them touching anything of mine, including my hat. However, fortunately, I am still able to send light, so that’s a good start. So far, the light has been a reliable way of sending good energy, even to those I most detest.

What was it Seth said through Jane Roberts?

You will be bound to those you love and those you hate,

though you will learn to release and lose and dissipate the hatred.

6/10/16

Yes, I find myself experiencing a time to find gratitude where few seem able. Gratitude to those I detest. On the other side, where all is real, laid bare, nothingness that it is, pure energy with consciousness–that being our true state–we love each other so much that we agreed to participate in this unpleasantness for each other’s treks into the adventureland of energetic, spiritual and emotional darkness. We’ve gone to the place bold explorers go. To the dark side. I’m ready to get back to the light now.

I find as I do this: (1) set my intention, (2) notice my feelings, (3) name my feelings, (4) ask myself do these feelings really need to be here: am I safe without them, as they do not feel particularly good. I’m right here at step 4. To finish the thought, as I do this, I do get more light about me, more lightness of being. Light about you feels so good. But I find to get to that state, it helps to release, give up, defensive thoughts and feelings and replace them with thoughts of faith and trust.

i have enough time

 

 

And, of course:

thank you

I think fear of isolation, fear of abandonment, fear of death, basically fear, drives anger, rage, judgment, etc. All the ugly feelings. And what’s funny about that is we’re all born with a death sentence. Every one of us. And what’s funnier is: it’s a figment of our imagination. But, we’re such awesome creators, that we created an experience that makes death seem real. That’s some twisted stuff.

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I need to finish the beginning thought from above. I am at step 4: deciding do I need to hang onto this feeling. I find myself still holding onto it. I am evaluating whether I need to hang onto defensive thoughts in order to protect myself from further injury. Are these injuries real or perceived? In plain old earth speak, they are real. These are not reputational only. These are not about hurt feelings. They pertain to basic safety and well-being. I remain in a state of perplexity at the choices others make that are incompatible with that which they seek. If you seek friendship, if you seek care, why would you think thoughts, speak words and engage in deeds that hurt another?

Is it possible you feel that that’s a way to take care of yourself? Or is it just spite? Don’t be surprised when not too many others stick around for more. The only ones who will are very likely to have a soul agreement with you to help you with your lesson. But, not too many others will willingly dine on that poison.

It helps to replace horror, which is sometimes my initial reaction to behavior like this, with perplexity. It makes it easier to let go of self-protective behaviors, such as judgment. When I can let go of those behaviors that anchor me in lower vibes, again, it feels better.

So, can I remain genuine and still find a way to morph horror to perplexity, and ultimately to understanding? Will that help? Probably. Before I’m willing to go there, I must come to understand that I will be safe, which means I can find understanding, but keep myself separate and apart from those who would harm me. Understanding them does not mean I have to have them over for dinner.

Mmmm. As I think more of these hurts, the deliverers of the pain weren’t always seeking something like friendship or care; in some cases what was sought was self-gratification, with no consideration at all of the cost of such gratification to another. Mmmm. Now, there’s a darkness, I don’t begin to understand. Hmmm. So, how do you find love for that?

So, I’m at step 4 still. Now what is step 5?

Freedom? I think it might be. Moving on, letting go. I don’t think it can be done until I find something good to associate with it: peace, love, understanding, compassion. I think if I can feel one of those instead, I will feel safe and can turn my attention to things fun and beautiful.

Now, how do I get there? I’ll know I’m there when I feel gratitude. I guess I’ll keep sending Golden Orb Deeksha and it’s bound to clear up at some point. Even if I can’t stand picturing them happy and healthy and smiling in the sunlight, I can picture the golden light of God entering their heart chakra and filling them with the energy of heaven.

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Good news. I was able to picture the detested ones smiling in the sunlight and feeling good!! (Not wearing my hat though.) I just had to let myself forget for a minute what assholes they are. I don’t think I can keep it up indefinitely. But, it’s a start.

6/13/16

Tonight I meant to spend writing about other things, but found myself editing and fleshing out what I’d written earlier. And, in doing so, as I expanded the discussion and followed the wispy trails of my thought, I realized that I have begun remembering some people I can’t even bring myself to send Deeksha to. Now, there’s a sorry state. Another layer peeled back, to find what I might call horror, and what is actually horror, but also that which is intolerance and a lack of love. That’s what I feel towards men (and boys) who meant to harm me sexually and physically. It started in middle school.

I was not meant for a harsh experience of that kind in this lifetime. I have never been raped or molested. But, I damn sure have come close. More than once.

Enough for me to see another person in action who would do that to another if the circumstances and energy allowed. Sometimes angels intervene. It is the only thing to explain why I remain physically unharmed given some of the situations I found myself in. But emotionally, mentally, the knowing is now there. And the consequent burden of forgiveness of another who would have done me a grievous harm had heaven not helped me. Total love and forgiveness seem complicated to me and the more I consider it, the more twisted and dark the path seems to become.

Maybe if I just go to bed and rest I’ll have some brighter light to shine on it tomorrow. Strange, this is not at all the place I thought I was going.

6/21/16

I have recently confronted a number of harrowing circumstances. Bloody death on the road. Witnessed by me and my young child. Unwanted attention from an old romance. A concerning business matter. A hard boundary that needed defending.

This presents me with choice points: big ones. Do I worry or do I release? I say: Angels, thank you for taking care of me. I release.

i surrender

This leaves me free to focus my attention otherwise. I will think of what it is my soul sought to pursue in this lifetime.

One of its pursuits is wayshowing. I’m sure of that. This is how it’s done, by the very act of writing this word as I write this word, and by the choices in our daily lives.

I focused on work today. I have pulled the ten of wands lately. I would like to commission a new version. One that shows a person successfully juggling ten plates on wands and looking delighted about it. Maybe I’ll just do that.

Here’s what the old one looks like:

10 wands

As pictured, it means burden that is not well-managed.  I don’t feel this way.  I have a lot to do, and I like doing it. So, I do one thing I like all day for money and then I come home and do the things I do for no pay that my soul is called to, so it feels right to do and feels good. I am drawn to these activities as is a plant to light. Today I let go of anything that would feel like a weight and I simply enjoyed playing my guitar and singing. It was liberating to sing and play freely with joie de vivre for a little more than an hour. My soul cried out for beauty and happiness. I fed it.

I think it was the best I have ever sung. It was certainly the most enjoyable.

So, I’ve done quite a lot already today and now am blogging. I have the strangest sensation of light upon me. It’s a very clear light. I am in a beam of angel light, because I called upon them for help. I am so glad their presence graces me.

I had been engaged in the challenges listed above and had gotten to a point that my breath was always shallow, yet I failed to notice it. Winnie called me to tell me not to worry and to offer help. I felt comfortable calling on Bruce and Winnie for help. Everyone who spoke with me led me to a calm place. No drama. It’s simply a choice point.

One way of thought leads me to darkness, to pain in my body at its energy centers along the middle of me, to anxiety, fear. I do not need to think at all of those things that put me in that state. I will hand those over to my angels. I can open a box and take that vision I have in my mind; that feeling in my heart, my jaw, my mind, my chest, my gut, my back, my feet, my joints; that voice in my head, and I can put it in there. I can fill it to the brim, shut it, hand it up to angel. The angel will take it to the place of pure light and clear it. Return it to a state of love. It’s part of their magic. I know they do it. I think it has something to do with ramping up the vibrations of the frequency that soul is.

Every particle has soul.

It has to be done gradually so as not to shock and disorder the original frequency. Every stage of the transformation is captured for eternity. You can visit any of these experiences you like at any time you like in your true state of being.

You come here to live it and to make one of those trajectories of experience that extend out into the black nothingness that goes on forever that is the canvas upon which every one of us creates by each choice we make. Choice after choice after choice.

In your true state of being, you can stand back from them, and observe them, as though they were happening to someone else, and see them as only light. And see what beautiful colors they make, sometimes jeweled and intense, other times soft and just barely other than white.

I use my light mind when I send the Golden Orb. I send whatever other light wants to be sent. I feel what it is and send that. Love, healing, wisdom, for example. The light carries these. So, I let the flow come through me and the color some angel doctor wants sent I send. Purple for wisdom. Indigo for vision. Sky blue for voice. Green for healing. Yellow for soul. Orange for creation. Red for rootedness to this material plane. For connection and flow from the earth to heaven. You have to be plugged into the earth to connect it to heaven.

You can see your light when in some other dimensions. In this dimension, we are matter, with the peculiarities we chose. Experience is composed of many frequencies; some we can see; others are light we cannot see, and we transform the colors of this thread of light as we choose and create experience with its frequency and color. Our higher dimensions are fantastically beautiful worlds of light because we can see differently there.

I am now at an important choice point: what do I chose? Worry, fretting, fixation on a scary thing that happened, or taking a deep breath?

Taking another deep breath. Inviting peace into my body. With each deep breath. Calling the angels. Come to me, now. Thank you. I feel your light upon me.

And, the light I’m making right now is soft and pretty.

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I am becoming clairvoyant. I keep a dream journal and have now noticed enough times that I am sure. I dream of future events. In my dream state, my mind moves forward along a particular thread of experience, and I find later, in my actual physical state, my physical experience embodies the dream message. Since I have discovered this, I am going to command myself to dream happy dreams. I am told repeatedly that I can make my truth. Well, then, I would like a picture of happiness to be my dream visioning.

i choose happy dreams

I will command myself to dream happy dreams. I do not need troublesome intrusions into my state of being. I can turn over to my angels each and every thing worrying as it meets me on my path. Trust the feelings I have about the next choice to make, knowing that I have asked angels to guide my steps. I believe some of the angels who help me are other aspects of my own consciousness, existing at a higher plane, able to see more than I can, able to help me. They communicate to me through my dreams and feelings and through synchronicity and through knowing and waking visions and songs I hear inside my mind. This is how the signs come. Now I’ve watched for the signs for so long I frequently understand after once.

I just saw an orb out of the corner of my eye. Wow. Interesting.

I notice a wavering of the air before me.

There was a persistent bee at the beach yesterday.

Bee: accomplishing the impossible. I am learning to see what was once invisible to me.

I reach for heaven. I know it got me here.

6/23/16

There is so much to say, my fingers can’t possibly keep up. Oh, well. You get what you get and it’s what you should get since you are the one who decides what you get.

At least, that’s what they say. All these people whose books I read. So why did I ask the universe to send hateful people into my life who hurt me? And why does the universe keep putting them in my face with synchronicities that remind me of them. Repeated patterns that engage me in thought of them. Why? Why am I brought over and over with this sign or that sign to the thought of them? I must have a bridge yet to cross.

I think perhaps this might be it (or one of them, we’ll see which is the case):

forgive

Okay, I just went back and read a little of the beginning of this month’s entry. It reminded me of the successful alchemical technique I used before. I need to conjure a picture with feelings. No words. A picture with feelings. Can I stand to picture this person I hate with a feeling that elicits sympathy and mercy from me? What would that feeling be? A person who is powerless to stop living nightmarish, harsh, unpleasant reality in which they create misery for themselves and others. Somehow they have gotten themselves caught in some type of a maelstrom of thought and they are unable to see past it to clear light. For whatever reason it is, their conduct choices are harsh; they have lost all memory of the light. They are absolutely caught in the web of illusion. And, when you place your focus upon such a person, if you are not very mindful and very careful and deliberate, you will lose your footing and get pulled into the maelstrom too. I didn’t used to know that I needed to look out for this.

It can happen to people as a change; they don’t always come out of the womb like this. For some, it is a cultural norm. There are entire cultures that have mean, hurtful ways ingrained in their way of living, thinking and being. It interests me that I look upon this in two ways: a human way that is filled with fear and loathing and a desire for escape, and a spiritual way that is grateful for the contrast. In my own life, I do my best to choose a loving and understanding way, amid the chaos of American teens (a boy and a girl and plenty of their friends), midlife singledom, the material world, and my humanness. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes low. Sometimes delighted. Sometimes peaceful. Sometimes grateful. But, I keep going, and I keep my eye on the prize: fulfilling my soul purpose. I wish to complete my mission and to do it well.

God helps me. The higher benevolent energy of love is there for me at all times. Even when I forget, and fall into a state of mental suffering, even then, I need only look with the knowing that love brings those lessons we agreed to learn.forgive 2 One that I know I am here to experience, because I do this for all of us when I do it for myself:

So, back to the task. A picture with feeling in it. Okay. There’s something I have to address before I can ever get to this picture with feeling in it. The consequences. I can feel mercy but not have to go hang out. I can feel mercy and not give someone a hug. A fear I have is that hate is necessary for my protection. That forgiving is the equivalent of sending a greeting card that says, “Welcome!” to someone who is absolutely verboten from my sphere of existence. So, I have to get this understanding clear in my mind before I feel safe proceeding with this exercise: this person I am to forgive does not thereby receive a license to have anything to do with me. I choose to go on elsewhere and otherwise. They will remain history.

Because there are some who are not welcome. They are so lost that they cannot treat others with consistent loving kindness. I will no longer choose to have anything to do with those who cannot treat me with consistent loving kindness. I take care with my choices and draw hard boundaries. At this point in my understanding, I believe Earth School requires expertise in this skill to achieve spiritual maturation.

My wise friend Marie helps me to see things like this. She told me today to ask myself, what do I need in order to feel safe? Very helpful inquiry that is.

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A very dear friend I have known since university was in town tonite and treated me to dinner. Geri opened a new window. She has learned to live her daily life with people who engage in the kind of conduct I now place outside my boundary of acceptable behavior. Dementia and mental illness in beloved family members brought her to the understanding that “Alzheimer’s is the cruelest disease.” Apparently, it can make those once gentle quite harsh and mean in thought and action. It turns them into someone they never were. She’s learned how to not take it personally and how to find some space of peace for herself.

I know that I will study her further. She is the epitome of dignity and grace. Her mind fascinates me. And her heart shines very clear. This path she’s taken has lessons I wish to understand. But, I think I am in an earlier place on this path, and it may be awhile before I get to the bridges she has crossed. Or, maybe my path is different and those will not come my way. They do seem of a very high order of goodness, I must say.

+++

So, I opened my heart space to Winnie, and in so doing made my own heart space bigger. It changed my vibration. By giving love to another, to one to whom it was very hard to give, I brought love to myself. Because I love myself better, I have no tolerance for that which does not feel good. It does not feel good to be in the energy of abusiveness, control, fear, judgment, deceit, betrayal, manipulation, _______(feel free to fill in the blank with your own negative experience).

So complicated for a thing that I wonder may perhaps be simple if only I could put on a different pair of glasses. Greater love brought me greater intolerance. How can that be? But it is so. Love brought me intolerance. Hmmmm.

6/24/16

Quite late. Still cleaning the room of a teenaged child. When he is away. At his father’s. I can clean in peace without his huffy energy mad about my being in his room. Filth hole that it is. Well, it’s better now. Swept, clothes put away, bed made (stack of folded clean clothes that was supposed to have been put away by said teenaged child, that was instead hidden under the blanket, put away in the proper drawers). Room saged and sprayed with rose-water. Archangel Michael called in to muscle out any energies not of love and light. Not kidding. I’m sure I didn’t chase out any friendly spirits. Not sure if my father-in-law came to visit or not? I sensed a presence behind my left shoulder as I sang and played tonight. Tessa sensed something so strongly she stopped and stepped back to look again. We’ve been told our house is a portal.

I just think that the kids and I are very receptive to that wavelength that energy of some other dimension travels on. We can tune into it.

i feel goodHave received messages from angel oracle cards to declutter, so that pretty much addresses the worst of it. I feel good. That was worthwhile. How often do you tell yourself that about your work? I want to remember to make a note of it. A job well done.

Now to do this. Will probably stop here and there to play some more too. It’s fun to figure out a riff and to ride it smoothly and consistently, if not exactly the same each time, or exactly the same, or usually, some mix of the two, and sometimes even meant to be the two exactly as the two are played. Played perfectly or not. It’s a good energy. Okay, I really do wonder if I channel a wisp of Henry James?

My my.

Just played a couple new pieces. Fun. It’s finally finding its way. This is probably the best point in the life of a song. These first few times I’m able to play the thing the way it’s going to end up being. When it’s new and fresh and just discovered and the sections finally decided upon and the picking and strumming patterns all felt out. I like that place in a song’s life very much. It brings me joy to play, when I have finally mastered the invisible and pulled forth a piece of certainty from it. When I remember each transition seamlessly. Mastery is a magnificent feeling. And every time I finish a new song, I get to feel it again.

6/25/16

I am ensnared. There are those, the thought of whom brings me some kind of negative feeling, and only that. Nothing positive. Why then do I choose to think of them? There are reminders. Things I associate with them. Places. Things. How do you go about freeing yourself of the negative feeling? If you find you never think positive things about a particular person, is the answer to set your intent to discontinue any thought of them or do you set your intent to raise up your thought about them? So that any energy around the thought of the person is positive? What is the way to best let go? Any of my thought so occupied is consumed in a place that does not feed me. I starve myself with such thought. I believe the answer must be both.

When I am drawn to think of a person about whom I do not wish to think normally, I will allow myself to send an instant Golden Orb Deeksha. Maybe that’s what I do. Just allow myself that one thought only. That’s what I need. I’ll just do that every time. Picture them set in the place beyond the fourth dimension that is the place of creation. Receiving Golden Orb Deeksha. Pure golden light pouring into their heart chakra. If I do this, some form of healing must occur. And this healing will free me. Someday I will be glad that I helped them, too. But, for right now, I am only thinking about myself and about moving on past these feelings that do not feel like joy. I wish to clear my thought so that joy may enter.

i choose joy

And, I think it’s okay to see the truth of myself in this, not condemn myself for not being something other than I am. I am an Earthling. I am here to do exactly this. I must provide care for myself, and when others have hurt me and would continue to do so, that self-care requires not only removing them from my presence physically; self care also requires removing them energetically. Their energy weighs me down. It is not my job to raise theirs up; that is their job. There is no power known that can empower my consciousness with dominion over the experience and reality of another. Theirs will be theirs and mine will be mine. We are separate pixels. I need to get bright and so do they. They find their light. I find mine.

We each go to darkness in our own way, and in our own way find our way back to the light of the golden point of consciousness that forms the place of balance between dark and light, where time travels faster than the speed of light yet moves not at all. Where thing and nothing meet.

6/26/16

Okay, it’s time to buy the bow and arrows. A friend brought me a brochure to an archery school and a new key to her place so I could care for her cats. The same friend texted a photo from the beach of a magazine cover featuring a beautiful woman pulling back the string of a bow, readying an arrow to fly. I already had been online and found the right site at last. It sells medieval and fantasy bows. That’s what I want. I found an elf bow from Lord of the Rings. It has beautiful designs on it. And it’s a simple old-fashioned long bow. That’s all I want. And a dozen Lothlorian arrows. They are quite lovely and reasonably priced and received high user ratings. The Viking and Medieval English longbows lacked ornamentation, so I got the same overall construction as one of those bows, but with Celtic looking artwork, so it’s a lot better looking and will function just as well. Will order that in the next week. Need to call first and make sure I get the right size and understand what to do with the string. Hopefully there will be a Youtube video to get me started.

I’ve always wanted guitars with pretty inlays on the neck and pretty inlays around the sound hole but I find those have never played as well as the plainer ones. I saw a car today that was the color I want in an electric guitar. A beautiful icy blue, just dark enough to have warmth in the color. I’ve seen eyes like that.

I also heard a new bird sing. I’m sure of it. Over the hum of an HVAC unit. I tried to hear the hum as part of the beauty of the sound scape, but must confess I found that challenging. I just wanted to hear the birds. An occasional car passing by has its own sound and feeling that I don’t mind.

+++

I wonder what’s going on with the astrological transits? I feel as though there is some significance to at last manifesting the bow and arrows. The first suggestion of it was made maybe a couple of years ago and the universe has not let up. It wants that done for some reason. It will be interesting to find out.

There are two things I would really like to study and will someday. Astrology and massage. I would like to do both well. I find each of the systems of astrology I have dabbled with describe me quite well, but each system focuses on different aspects of personality. It’s quite interesting.

I have an insatiable desire to see the future and to understand people and situations better. I suppose it’s the study of motivation, desire and fate.

I believe that our true minds, our heaven minds, are so vast and so capable that every element, every angle was considered in the making of our lives. All the tools we would need for our purposes we gave ourselves, unless there was some lesson to be learned in the lack of one or more of them. So, I do believe astrological elements are thoroughly considered in life planning on the other side.

6/29/16

Something is changing. I recently suffered a disappointment. It was the kind of disappointment that in the past would have left me feeling empty and hopeless, abandoned. And, this feeling would have set the tone of my outlook indefinitely. But, something quite interesting happened instead. I found myself extremely focused on every person I interacted with and with my surroundings. Instead of feeling hopeless and sorry for myself, which is such a common reaction for me that I am loath to admit it, I automatically, without effort, found myself caring about the feelings of all those I interacted with. I found myself grateful for their presence in my life. I found myself in a state of gratitude for them and wanting to ensure their needs were met and that they felt my support. I was present in the moment with them. Not distracted by my disappointment and not involved with the nursing of a wound.

Wow!!!!!!  What a change!!!!  I’ve never handled disappointment this way before. This is the first time it turned into that! Something happened!

This is, I believe, the product of those small but consistent daily efforts, which consist of the following practices, starting with the moment I awaken:

1. Keeping a dream journal—upon awakening I write down whatever dreams I remember (I have discovered my growing clairvoyance this way). If you don’t write down your dreams immediately, you’re unlikely to remember them later.

2. Stating my gratitude—before I get out of bed, before my feet hit the floor, I state my gratitude for good people and things and circumstances in my life.

3. Stating affirmations—again, before I get out of bed, I say one or more positive and supportive statements about myself such as: I am powerful, I am blessed, I have everything I need for a happy and healthy life, I am surrounded by loving and supportive people, I am blessed with abundance, God loves me.

4. Eating mostly healthy foods and staying hydrated—I limit meat and dairy (I have found dairy causes inflammation in my joints) and eat a lot of fruits, vegetables and non meat protein such as nuts and legumes. I try to eat hydrating foods and drink lots of water. I also indulge a little but avoid giant pig outs for the most part. So, I do eat some sweets here and there but not a lot at one sitting, and have things like pizza and fries on occasion but not every day.

5. Exercising regularly—I do exercise with hand weights 2 to 3 times per week and also try to do at least 30 minutes of aerobic exercise on at least one other day and sometimes if I can, two other days per week.

6. Meditation/Deeksha giving/chakra activation—most nights I try to activate my chakras, do my Reiki activations (I’m Reiki Level 1 certified), and send Golden Orb Deeksha.

7. Goal setting and attainment—I have personal creative goals to write and record music and this blog. Actively engaging in a creative process is in alignment with our true being: we are creators. I try every day to engage in acts of creation consistent with the intention I have set to get the songs channeled into my head out into the world and to share my process through this blog. I believe that setting goals in regard to this creative activity helps to transform it from hobby into soul purpose. It’s an important part of my reason for living.

I remain at this moment in a state of wonder at the difference in me. Thank you, God. These small efforts result in huge transformation. No wonder that dragonfly stopped midair in front of me this morning and stared at me. It was underscoring that a metamorphosis has occurred.

And, I believe a dream I had nine days ago is about this. I dreamt I saw my cousin, whose name is Grace. I was last in line. I had to climb the third staircase of three staircases that were side by side. It had no outside rail and it seemed as though it dropped off on that side into oblivion. The stairs were steep and uneven and needed repair. But, I made it to the top where there was a big door. This felt like an accomplishment in the dream. However, I woke up before I went through the door.

I wonder if what I am feeling now is that which was on the other side of that door?

It feels so good to feel this way rather than feeling disappointed and hopeless. All is well.

+++

End Notes:

1.Getting there sucks though. Out loud. Like nobody’s business. Maybe there’s some way to do it that doesn’t hurt, but I haven’t figured that one out yet. I’ll report back if I do figure it out.

2. Afterall, we earthlings are the explorers of the blackest places on the feelings continuum. That is why we all are such warrior breed. We have to be to accomplish the purpose we set ourselves in the world of matter—the low, slow vibrational world of matter.

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