I want to tell a story but the problem with hard stories is that people so very often wind up in a state of judgment. They identify whom they believe has been wronged or hurt and then judge the other parties involved in moving the events to that picture that elicits judgment. So, I just want to say from the get go, I’m all right with my journey and my lessons. I don’t have to be right. I don’t have to be good, bad, gracious, wise, loved, hated, lauded, cursed, blah, blah. I forgive. And, here’s the boundary part: that doesn’t mean it’s okay to do it again. Of some things, once is all you need. Any more is way too much.
That’s what setting boundaries is about. That situation described above. When you get to your “never again” point with something. Anyway, that was the good of a relationship I had that brought me to a place of finally, at last, enjoying my own company. And, not feeling as though something is missing because I don’t have a romantic interest or partner. Because I’m one of one, not one of two.
I have peace. I have freedom and free will. I am extremely fortunate. At the Sacred Chambers last Saturday, a place where you go to ask the Divine for your sincerest, bottom of your heart wish, what came to me to me was this: I wish to serve. Please bring me this. Perfect service to bring the prettiest love possible to the earth.
I am so very glad I got here. I got here because romantic relationships and the expectations conditioned into my being never asked of me what picture would I create? They did not bring the fulfillment that I feel, that you must feel when you sit quietly with yourself . . . when I ask myself what do I seek?
What do I seek?
Why do I seek it?
So I’m not going to say what I thought I would ask for when I entered the first of the two chambers. It was not the same thing I asked for in the asking chamber (the second chamber) when I finally moved there after some time of reflection in the first chamber.
It was suggested to us that we could sit in the first chamber and forgive and ask forgiveness and other such things. But, I felt a strong sense that I was just supposed to receive a song, so that’s what I did. Wrote down the song that was being sent to me. It was a lullaby. I cried. Then I went in the second chamber.
We were told to hold our hands above our heads palms facing in and touching, thank our ancestors, ask for what we desire and there might have been one other thing, but I can’t seem to remember it. I knew before I left chamber 1 that my ultimate wish is to serve. So, I do my best to do it right now in a balanced way with love and compassion in my thought, word and deed with others and now, too, myself. It took a long time to remember the myself part. But, I do now. And if something doesn’t feel good, I don’t have to continue to choose it. I am whole and complete today right now. I don’t need anything else to make me right. Thank you, universe.
If something doesn’t feel good or right, that is my sign to choose otherwise.
I wish I could say I had this understanding at the time I wrote the song, but I did not. At the time I wrote it, I was busy giving unasked for advice to a friend regarding how to run his life for greater happiness. At the time I had the innocent but ignorant presumption that happiness is THE GOAL OF LIFE. But I have since come to understand that happiness doesn’t have to be everyone’s one size fits all choice. If you’ve got karma to balance, you live what you live. If you or I don’t like something, we really are free to step into a new choice. We get what we choose. Look around. What you see is the product of your choice.
I find myself naturally letting the feeling of a situation guide me. I try to remember love as a guide in my thought, word and deed. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I’m cranky. Sometimes I’m blind. Sometimes I sleepwalk through life. But I do try to live awake and seeing and I think I’m doing better than ever. I see improvement in myself. Very interesting.
I’m calmer. And my anxiety is limited in degree and duration. I move past it pretty quickly. But, I do not put myself in a place of repetition of those things I choose to let go. In other words, when I let go, I let go. I’m getting much better at this. I find I have developed a visceral intolerance for some situations, people, entertainments, behaviors: I do not apologize for choosing to remove myself from these things that do not resonate with me on any level.
Knowing that each moment presents choice, that choice is the constant state of our being, I was very glad to go to a place specifically with the intention of spending time with the divine. It is so simple: write a song, enjoy a plate of dumplings and plantains, admire fog on the mountain, listen to a friend’s stories. Each of these moments makes the pattern of my life’s vibration.
Boy am I loving life. Call me a game nerd if you want. I don’t care. I got two Yahtzees tonight!!! Yay!!! 4s and 6s. Which reduces to 10 which reduces to 1. 10 for endings. 1 for beginnings. Okay. Makes sense. Have been throwing the Death card regularly.
This card is the transition card. It’s not an ending only card as some unfamiliar with tarot might think from first glance. The Connolly deck shows an easier to understand sense of what the card is about:
Endings that make way for new beginnings. Transition.
Just had the most oh-my-God clairvoyant moment. I mean, wow. I’ve asked for this fruit to ripen and yes it has, just like the flowery plum I had with dinner. I seek clairvoyance, and it comes in the most interesting way lately. Dreams that happen a day or so later. Songs that I discovered coming years ago about things happening now. So completely spellbinding this path I walk. I enjoy it immensely. Each day mysteries to unravel. What could be better? Having a relationship with my dreams and learning from them has shown me that I have this clairvoyance and I can tell it’s clairvoyant only in hindsight. When I dream it I just think it’s weird. I set my intent to harvest more fully. I would like to know what I am seeing ahead of time when I am first seeing it. Is the significance of my visions something I dare ask for? Yes!!
Thank you universe for the fun and games and double Yatzees. Sibyl got double Yahtzees last night and her good luck is rubbing off on me. I am so happy I choose to play. Goals can be motivating but if you are a disciplined doer, it can lead to imbalance. I set my intent to achieve the golden mean in my work and play, and better yet, could life possibly be so good that it’s all play that works to move us to alignment with the rhythm of the soul vibration we are? Lightly floating upon a sea of sound. A music each of us is, ourselves sound. In that place of feeling, the best of feeling is all there is. Peaceful, light bliss. Just this very moment here, sitting at the table, with my child, marveling at our games.
My child helps me to remember the child in me. It’s very nice, and a lucky thing.
I have good luck.
I HAVE GOOD LUCK
And I’m happy.
I AM HAPPY
Sometimes I’m crabby. But not too much. And, it’s okay. I know you love me anyway.
I tried creating my first meditation recording tonight. I know I cannot rid it completely of my true accent to get to that neutral accent that is not distracting. Maybe I should do the real accent in one version and the cleaned up one in a second version or vice versa. That might be pretty interesting. Sure. Why not?
Oh, so I forgot to say what the clairvoyant moment was. I have to give a little backstory. I made some new age white noise music for my hypnotherapist who I think is the bee’s knees and cat’s pajamas. So, I was so glad to be able to help her. She needed some plainish background but something full of good feeling, so Oh and I made a 30 minute loop for her.
I had been receiving white dove sign for sometime. I kept thinking of the image of a white dove with a ribbon, carrying it into the light. So, I wrote the meditation and tried it out with the piece I created for her use.
Here’s the clairvoyant part. Two nights ago, on August 21st, at around 2 a.m. I stirred enough in my sleep to wake and write J374 upon the little pad I keep within easy reach, for the quick jotting of notes so that I can remember visions from my subconscious, images of reality in other dimensions, messages from the depths of feeling roiling in my dreams. Now that’s a pretty weird vision to have in a dream. I couldn’t begin to imagine what that was about. Tonight as I did my first run through of the meditation, trying to feel its pace upon the music, I found I stopped at 13:47. There’s a little break at 13:47 for wish making time! I love it!
Whisper your wish in a bird’s ear. All the right buttons to push and people to call and places to go come to you when you speak it in your heart.
Interesting thing I’ve noticed, having sat through the 30 minute piece several times now. Stopping before 29:29 must occur. Each time at 29:29 I was feeling as though I had already been ready to be done. That reduces to 11:11 to 2:2 to 4. The number of stability. Okay. Fine by me. We’ll see where the final version ends up ending.
Okay, here’s the version I got done with Oh. Amazing. The break came out so close to 13:47 (it was 4 seconds behind in the one I did at the studio). Weird!!
Running behind. (Or not.) Spending more time making, writing music lately. Thought the content of my most recent shamanic journey on the onset of Mercury retrograde is sharable, I guess.
In a nutshell,
Life is better wetter.
I know it seems suggestive, but it’s not at all what you think. In my journey, without even knowing it myself, what my body and spirit sought that my consciousness could not see, was comfort. I am having a bout of PTSD (really). I feel it in my body. But my mind is busy trying to rule and master the situation, so sometimes I can miss the essence for trying to control that which I have not identified but which actually is what orchestrates reality.
I went to a shamanic journey, activated the Golden Orb light in my pre-journey meditation, thanked my teachers (the bringers of the PTSD), and went along the route the shaman led us on, although my journey started way ahead of the time I was directed to take the entrance to the lower world. My journey began with a lake, water lapping gently at a dock. Slow drops of rain made circle upon circle, circle upon circle. Intersecting, touching. Next to me was a soul, a lovely person, with eyes that look like earth, from a far distance. So much movement and color. Supernatural. Jesus. I called on him to send me a guide for the journey if I needed one, and he came and stayed.
I saw what I thought was a lovely pink buttery white marigold, big and close up. But now that I think of it, I believe the petals were more like one of those very full headed mums. With those soft velvety petals and the delicate scent they have. Those petals seemed to instantly cover the surface of the lake, and Jesus and I walked upon them. It was so happy a time. I felt really good.
He is so kind.
I am grateful for his presence.
Then the shaman called us to the walk in the meadow to the forest. I could not make my feet touch the ground. As I followed the trail the shaman led us on, I found myself floating above the grass, and weaving in the treetops. Jesus dissolved into me and we were a mist more than a body. At the rock, at the mountain, where the entrance to the lower world was on that night’s journey, I remembered Spy Rock, a perfect circle, a 360 degree view. Then, the shaman called us to see that opening in the rock wall, where there was a cave that I found myself reluctant to enter. I did not wish to settle into small dark spaces, and the more I thought this thought as I moved forward in the cave and its deepening depths, the tighter the space got, until I could move no further. Stuck.
I became a firefly. I lit my own way. Small as I was, I could move through any limit the cave narrowed upon me. Then I turned into a regular house fly. And I went outside in the sunny meadow and landed on a pile of poop and then the carcass of a water buffalo. Then I was a maiden riding upon a living water buffalo; slowly it moved. I lay upon the beast and merged into it and it merged into the blackness, it became the nothing place, the void, the black space that is beyond dimensions. I go there every time I journey because I like it so well.
I rested in formlessness. In my formlessness, I saw a mountaintop. I returned to the meadow with Jesus and we dissolved into the wind.
Then we were back on the dock. Our feet dangled in the water. Jesus sat with me. I saw coral on the bottom of the water. Some kind that looked like ribbons, and flowed like them, graceful and easy.
Then Jesus and I sat directly upon the water and dangled our legs beneath the surface of the water without getting wet. It was quite strange. No wonder I so often think of Magritte.
Tonight Vaclav and Ridge told me they watched the Blair Witch Project. How’s this for crazy. Two nights ago I was standing at the stove, and you know what I was thinking of . . . yes, of all things, the Blair Witch Project. Out of the clear blue. That’s happening more and more often now.
I have a strong feeling of an impending shift of significant proportion. I wonder what it means? My ears have been ringing a lot lately too. The way they do when I receive oneness blessings.
Will report back when I figure this out.