Change seems so very much in the air. All of the oracles I read have been off the charts positive as have my dreams. You wouldn’t necessarily think that a dream about oatmeal with a big pile of raisins on top and walnuts is anything to write home about, but oatmeal symbolizes groundedness and raisins mean a situation is turning out better than you thought it would. The nuts make it even better.
Okay, stay tuned. I’m wondering if I’m having dreams like this because I’m learning how to get myself back on an even keel quickly when something upsetting knocks me off balance. I recently had this happen. A situation was upsetting me terribly. And I moved past it quickly. The person who sought to injure me I blessed. And at the induction of the shamanic journey that I wrote of last month, I did a chakra activation, a reiki activation and I brought in the golden orb. I sent it to this person. And I said to this soul: thank you, teacher.
Then later, on the night of the new moon, when I find my manifesting power is at its height (as I so love darkness), I wrote his name on a piece of paper, wrapped it in foil, and put it in the bottom of my freezer, with this spell upon it: I held it up above my head poised between the fingertips of both hands, and I said “harm no more.”
I’ve been playing and singing a lot lately; hence, less blog writing. That’s how the balance seems to be finding itself these days.
I received homework from Sibyl’s teacher: to write about how she is special and unique. I am looking forward to this! I’m going to do it now.
Spent day recording with Oh. It was my standing monthly recording day. This is how I’m going about getting this growing unpresented catalog out there. A day a month with Oh. If we can finish a song a day I consider that a miraculously speedy pace. He’s very fast. He can do what I consider to be a fluid and harmonious percussion composition, arrangement and recording very quickly. Never more than a few hours at most. I always hear it to be exactly the right thing for the song. May I say: thank you Universe for sending this creator to share the journey. Lovely experience.
I felt compelled to sit and write about this day immediately. I hate to admit that I spent quite a lot of the day reading a book with a title something like “Rock Stars Do the Dumbest Things.” It is fucking hilarious. Oh my God. Some of the strange occurrences in the experience of these humans . . . my weird stuff isn’t so bad compared to say the antics of Queen or Marilyn Manson. So, the never before seen bizarre creatures that show up in photos in my home; the distant whistling I’ve heard from empty rooms; the near constant touching of my hair by some unseen force; well, that’s become part of my life. And it’s no weirder than anyone else’s weird. I think because I allow myself to see it; others can begin to experience other dimensions as well. That’s what all these weird occurrences are I think: other dimensions breaking through, the veil thinning. If one but opens to it. Life is so much more enjoyable now.
Let me accept this experience around me that I have created. Accept. Embrace. Thank you for everything. And every fucking thing as all the teenagers in this house would say. But it’s true.
I ask for ears to hear the beauty in my voice, God. It is the voice you gave me. It is the cup you pour into. The cup with the hole in the bottom.
If it needs to be here it will come back. I trust that the universe provides for me.
I just let go of the first ant of the year. I have been killing hordes of them regularly. I let go of my judgment of myself for killing. I can’t have ants in my kitchen or on my desk. Frankly not in my living space. I just let one go, because I could see it carrying a grain of food and admired its strength. (See the Lina Wertmuller movie, Seven Beauties . . . you’ll know the scene.) It will return to the hill with food supply. Enough for continuity.
I can let go. There is always more.
In fact, that very ant came back again and again. Oh, dear. I have a confession. Good bye brave little ant. I gave it a chance, but it took one too many trips across my keyboard and computer screen, poor fella.
Now here is a reason I have been pulling the Lovers Card and Two of Cups. The child in me and the adult in me seek to harmonize. I believe it must be happening. I dreamt of a restaurant full of twins. The first set I saw were Siamese. Very strange. Then male and female sets of maternal twins and some fraternal twins. The female twins tried to hug me but I was a little taken aback by all of it. It was a Greek restaurant. I had come for food for my mother. The platter was over $800. Triple infinity. Nice!
But good lord! The twin sign coming to me?
I had a great day. Here’s some of what we got done:
The way I write has changed a lot over the years. What I’ve finally discovered since I awakened is that I don’t particularly care to write the hard way: with my brain. It’s a lot more pleasurable to let my spirit do it. So, for this song, the main riff came as a form of automatic writing. In a state of mental idleness with my guitar in hand my fingers just starting picking it. The lyrics came much later. I was in a studio with a friend who is even more crazy perfectionist than I am. He was trying to record a solo version of Billy Strayhorn’s Lush Life singer songwriter style, singing and playing an acoustic, and trying to get it perfect with no punch ins or edits. After a few tries he got royally ticked off and stormed out of the studio slamming the door behind him and left his girlfriend and me sitting in the control room with the engineer dumbfounded. The first two verses of the song dumped into my head in that moment of shock. The rest of the lyrics I had to use my human mind to write. It took a long time. Another Charles Dickens inspired piece: I think of Jacob Marley’s chains when I hear this song.
I don’t remember exactly when I understood, but at some I understood:
This one I especially hope to remember as much of the time as possible:
It really makes everything better. If there’s a house fire and you need to get the kids out, you will. Even if you relax your vigilance and release your cares for right now in this moment in which you know you are safe, your world will not fall apart. Warriors so often battle even where there is no fight. I have quite a bit of warrior in me. This path is new to me. Knowing I am safe, feeling safe. Knowing it.
And if you do not know this, then I say God bless you. I wish for your safety. So that you can relax into the truth of feeling in your soul. This is what feels very good to me. I find feeling safe speeds my ability to the reach the comfort level within to get there. So worth the trip.
I have had extremely excellent manifesting happening. All in the same week I had front row center at two amazing shows with no crowd pushing on me. It felt like my own private concerts. I think I must have raised up my vibration quite a bit for my life experience to be thus now. On the 5 year anniversary of the day my then husband came home and told me he loved someone else and wanted a divorce, I was standing front row center at an Alice in Chains concert. Because of the configuration of the seating at the theatre, only a few people were allowed in the pit, so I had not one person pushing or sweating on me. It doesn’t get any better. And then, before the week was out, I had the same experience at the Gojira sound check. I honestly think the universe was rewarding me for having tried so hard to finally get to a place of love and gratitude where I once felt rage, anger, pain and saw only injustice.
There was one fly in the ointment: the show I played in between the two concerts. I love writing songs. I enjoy recording; but, live performance is not good for my nerves. In my astrological chart, I have Virgo ascendant, a Gemini moon and a Cazimi Mercury. And, apparently, of the two major and two minor lessons I chose for this lifetime, I tripled up on one: self-flagellation. So, what do all these pieces of the puzzle amount to? I have been told in so many psychic readings and it’s right here in my chart, that I came to earth, in part, to tell stories (Gemini moon: the communicator). Virgo in the ascendant position means I am ridiculously picky and perfectionist. This is fine for songwriting and recording. This is not so fine for performing. There is no musician on earth who renders consistently perfect performances. It’s simply not possible to be human and get it right every time. Now throw into this witches brew a Cazimi Mercury. This means my mind works at lightning speed. I put together information and concepts quickly, learn readily and draw insightful conclusions, which I articulate in such a way that my coworkers have sought to quote the exact words I’ve used in conversations with them. So, this Cazimi Mercury is very helpful in my work as a professional whose job it is to think and manage and communicate. When the astrologer explained this to me it helped me to understand why I have a facility with language and have enjoyed success in my work because of it.
The drawback of a Cazimi Mercury is this: sometimes you go so fast you short circuit. You have to flip the breaker switch to get things moving again. This happens when I play sometimes. I just short out mentally. In reading about Cazimi Mercury I discovered many songwriters and composers have this astrological feature. Carole King has it, along with the nerves that bring debilitating stage fright.
So basically, during a 45 minute performance, I had three bouts of just wanting to walk away. It took all of my discipline to keep myself playing through the set. Of course, no one could tell. I am a Llama in primal astrology. We keep a cool exterior despite churning turmoil within. With the Cazimi Mercury, I had a few glitches, from which I readily recovered. But, the Virgo ascendant in me just can’t stand not getting it exactly right. Torture and misery this combination of traits.
So, a mountain I will be climbing is Perfection Peak. I have to overcome that self-imposed obstacle and get it behind me. If I’m going to do this bit of my soul purpose, the songwriting and telling stories part, then I have to come to peace with perfectionism. I see how I created the backdrop that would allow me every opportunity to grow in the lesson of releasing self-flagellation.
I am nowhere near mastery of this lesson. But, I am committed to continuing on the path. Reaching out to Ames and letting her know how I felt really helped. Ames finds performing to be a funny experience and she’s done it for so long that it’s second nature. She literally has been knocked on her butt by other performers executing some pretty weird choreography and had to finish her song from the floor (this was not an intentional part of the show). During a Christmas performance, a candle caught her ass on fire. (“I noticed my butt was feeling warm,” she said.) She continued singing as she patted out the cinders on the backside of her pants. She’s forgotten the lyrics and sung her standby fill in lyric, “watermelon.” She said you’d be surprised how long it takes people to figure out you’re singing “watermelon.” And then there was the show in which she was to do a solo to lead off the group (a dozen a cappella singers) and couldn’t for the life of her remember the second note. And then when everyone else in the group tried showing her (all this going on during the performance, mind you), she still couldn’t get it and someone else had to sing the intro with her. And, none of this fazes her in the least. Okay, well, I guess I’ve got the right musical partner for learning how to lighten up.
Here’s one of the pieces I’ve finished recently with Oh. It’s a song I wrote probably 7 or so years ago. Finally, finally, I got the recording done. I had taken my eldest daughter to a softball game, and like every good superstitious sports parent, I came to see that my sitting in the stands watching seemed to have a deleterious effect on her team’s score. So, I took a walk in the woods around the field. My son went with me. We had so much fun. This song poured into my head as we explored, so I always think of this as my gratitude song for my boy.
A very nice way to finish this month’s post. Til next month.