The words TOURMALINE, BLACK TOURMALINE, and GREEN TOURMALINE appeared in my dreams. Also, peridot. And the word “Universe.” Something else too but I can’t make out my scribbled notes from my dream journal. I keep it on my bed, and when I stir from my sleep I jot down whatever I’ve been dreaming. I guess it’s pretty clear I’d better get hold of some black and green tourmaline. And I guess I’ll get more peridot.
I kept dreaming of the color of peridot (it is the color of absinthe).
The dream interpretation websites say tourmaline symbolizes healing, potential, and purity and represents your higher self.
The Crystal Vaults website says:
More recently, some in the metaphysical world have come to believe Tourmaline is not indigenous to Earth, but has been materialized onto our planet by higher life forms to assist humans with their transition into the Aquarian Age. It is further believed that special Tourmaline wands are being created in alchemical laboratories deep in the Andes in South America, and the enlightened beings who perform this magic dematerialize these wands, transport and then rematerialize them into mines in South America. These perfectly terminated wands may be up to twelve inches long and contain the full color spectrum, capable of vibrating all of the chakras simultaneously as they align the consciousness with the omnipotent cosmic force. Once mined, these wands attract themselves to those who intuitively know how to use them.
Hmmm. A tourmaline wand.
Okay, now how is this for crazy. I just went online and looked and looked. I found a little lotus pendant with black and green tourmaline and peridot. All three in one pendant. What are the odds? I bought three: one for Tessa, one for Sibyl and one for me. Cool! I can’t believe I found all three stones in one necklace and that it has that same lotus emblem Tessa has in her ring. Great birthday gift for her!
This reminds me that I recently had an episode of clairvoyance. Early one day I had a vision of a doughnut with vanilla frosting and sprinkles. That’s not something I normally eat. I didn’t think anything of the vision. However, later that day as I walked across a parking lot, I found on the pavement a little tiny donut toy or charm that had vanilla frosting and sprinkles. Crazy! It was about the size of a cheerio.
Playing guitar is a form of meditation, I realize. I am trying to be aware of my every moment’s thought while simultaneously living some thought other than the thought that I am aware of my thought. That in itself, while an interesting thought, doesn’t get the baby shoes, as my mother and her mother would say. So, as I sit here typing this, the thought I am observing myself having is that I want to do more than one thing at once (play guitar and write this blog), but these things require my hands and I would need four of them, at least, and probably one more brain, or perhaps the ability to have simultaneous and separate thoughts running in my mind but in a state of awareness of each other (so does that element somehow make it not schizophrenia that I set my intent for, but rather heightened awareness?). Four arms. How do I get four arms? And one more brain.
I want to type on this blog. Converse with another being who has a physical being in a body other than mine. Just for the adventure of it. I would like to see all with an eye of joy. Even the parts that feel like hurt as I experience them. To somehow change my relationship with that feeling I experience as hurt. My children are wonderful teachers. When they don’t get what they want, more specifically, what they want me to provide to them and I say, “No,” all manner of interesting challenges to the maintenance of a state of peace and love occur.
Yes. In the raising of my young, joy and duty all at the same time, I get some of my greatest spiritual tests. I am trying to master every one of them. I just have to give a great big sigh. I think I did pretty well today. I don’t know how much to say, out of respect; so let’s just say I enjoyed the tests of deceit, manipulation, betrayal, and resistance, along with the rewards (which I suppose are tests of their own, perhaps, in some way I am not sophisticated enough yet to understand) of pleasure and pride in the eyes and voices and faces of my children after I have thanked and praised them, of good fortune in sitting down to a hot meal on a cold night, with plenty of what we want, all tasting good, of mastering my knee jerk anger at the interactions in which said tests became apparent to me, of noticing myself consciously choosing patience in moments in which I was very tempted as a matter of habit to choose haste and irritation, and of getting myself guided to a place of love, support and appreciation of all I spent time with today. I tried to think of what would show love and support, but I just had to cut certain knee jerk responses out of my thoughts at their knees. I just left them, stepped right over them, and got myself to a place of thinking about the person I was interacting with and caring about their feelings, which meant first identifying what their feelings were. Thank you, God, for helping me to do this.
Okay, Ridge is here and wants me to read his tarot cards. Craziest thing. I recently introduced him to Toni Carmine Salerno’s Guardian Angel Cards deck. So he shuffled the deck, shut his eyes, spread the cards out in one hand and chose one, eyes still closed, with the other. He got this one:
How completely beautiful!!
Now, what is it, exactly, that I wish for?
More on this confusing subject next time. For tonight, I end with gratitude to my guides, angels and crossed over spirit friends and family for helping me with this: clarity about what I wish for, about what nourishes my spirit and replenishes me, the energy and light that I am, as I pour the energy I am upon this environment I now experience, this picture I paint every nook and cranny of with the brush strokes of my thought.
Do I wish for a romantic relationship? A new partnership? I have Pippa. She is my faithful companion, all ten pounds of her. I get along with her most of the time (except when she bites, when I try to move her against her will). I am not in a place of having a picture of what I do want that I think I actually want or that is good for me. I have not conceived enough detail to really consider it. I don’t know how to get to a clear picture here, because I am not sure I want this at all, but I do not know that I want no change in what I have now, solitude and my dog, my kids, friends, family. So, I guess I am in a state of indecision. The Two of Swords:
No surprise that my card readings these days feature this one not infrequently. Hmm. The 3 of swords and the 5 of cups sometimes follow the 2 of swords on journeys on the other side of crossroads such as this.
No wonder I dreamt of standing in the aisle of a packed church, looking out of the big floor to ceiling windows across an empty field, waiting for the bride to arrive for the rehearsal. She’s not sure she’s going to show up.
What will be lost in choosing a new path? Do I care to lose it? Is there any way to keep what I like and also try something new? A tension is building within me. I have no answers to these questions today and don’t seem to care to dwell but so much upon them.
I seem to be lingering exactly here:
I think what I’m going to decide is to be at peace with being undecided. Just accept what is as it is. Done.
As I sat down to write this, my eye strayed to the clock. It read 9:19. A synchronicity. The day my ex-husband told me our marriage was over. 9:19 reminds me of the significance and blessings of endings and loss.
I had the most wonderful experience today. I lost not one, but two contests that I had entered. One was the Tiny Desk Contest that National Public Radio was sponsoring. I didn’t expect to win that; however, it was a greatly beneficial experience to enter it. It caused me to actually get all the elements put together and working to create a video. That was an accomplishment. It took the motivation (and deadline) of a contest for me to put myself to the great amount of trouble to figure out everything technically necessary to make it happen. Reward in itself.
I also did not place any songs in the semifinals of the International Songwriting Competition. I entered 7 songs spread among 3 categories. What I find is that rather than disappointment, there is within me a sense of faith and of trust.
Since my awakening, the journey that has mattered most to me is the spiritual one. I find I interpret all of my experience through that lens. Today, because I have drunk so deeply from that well for so long, I am filled with curiosity, rather than despair. What next, I wonder?
The tarot has been a marvelous guide. Yesterday, the strangest synchronicity occurred. I did two readings, with different decks (the Rider Waite and the Connolly) and pulled the Temperance card and the 7 Cups both in the same positions in both readings (the what could possibly develop position and the near future positions, respectively). My readings also have repeatedly delivered the “trust your intuition” message.
Today, in the 1, 2 and 3 positions of the celtic cross (what covers you (or the heart of the matter), what crosses you (can be an aid or an obstacle), and the root (or the history informing the theme)), I pulled the 6 of cups, the Devil and the 10 swords.
I put all the pieces together and I think I may have achieved progress in balancing an energy from a past life. The 6 of cups is the past life card. Often it is read as a past life soul mate joining you on your path. Or sometimes it’s read as someone from your youth coming back into your life. In this case, I think it is about a past life I had as a composer. It is the only past life that I ever bothered to try to look up, mainly because when I saw this person, his dress was so fine and expensive looking that I thought possibly I could find his name, knowing that he was a composer, and having seen his clothing. (I wrote about him in one of my earlier blogs.) After hunting down all the clues from his clothing, knowing that he played violin (from a psychic reading), knowing that he died in poverty (from a channeler), figuring the timeframe from my research of the clothing I saw when I did a meditation and asked to meet him, knowing that he played harpsichord (also from seeing it in the meditation), knowing his first name (also from the meditation) and knowing his country of origin (also from the meditation), I discovered that I was a composer named Charles Francois Dieupart.
His energy has been of the bitter variety, yet he has stayed so very much a part of my consciousness since my research on him. Card readers have commented on him (who is this yucky guy, they ask). And, I have been very clear that an important part of this incarnation is balancing the energy he bears in that dimension where there is no such thing as time. I have seen him happier lately. I have taken the torch from him and am running up the hill with it.
Where has the relay gotten me? I think today was a milestone and the tarot helps me to understand it. The Temperance card is about balance of the earthly and the spiritual, of body and soul, and the 7 of Cups is about choices, illusion, and what is hidden. The gifted channeler who told me of Charles dying a starving artist told me that the way to heal him was to seek standing ovations. I believe that advice was incorrect.
Charles did not have to die alone and in poverty. He was a gifted teacher, in addition to being a composer. He easily could have supported himself teaching, but as he struggled with obstacles to the production of his works, disappointment turned to drink, and he ended his days playing in beer halls.
What have I learned today? I believe I have released the energy of pursuing art for the sake of recognition. It is not standing ovations that Charles needs. It is peace and balance and the simple joy of creating. This is the message of the 10 of swords (the end of a cycle), the 6 of cups (past life) and the Devil card (unhealthy obsession with the lures of the material world, addiction, perversion of beauty, etc.).
What does my intuition tell me (8 of Wands in the first position, crossed by the Moon card—THE card of intuition, which I also received in yesterday’s readings)? That my choice, my response, about how I am going to look upon today’s events (the 7 of Cups, the choice card), reflects spiritual balance (Temperance). No, I did not win any contests. And no, I am not throwing in the towel and sulking in my room (sorry, Charles, I’m not trying to be insulting here).
I enjoy making music. I will continue to do so. That’s pretty much it. It’s really easy. No gnashing of teeth, pounding of chest, bemoaning of fate. I like channeling songs, sitting in silence and hearing them pour into my consciousness. I like patiently sitting evening after evening with my guitar and working out the accompaniments. I like the process of recording them and getting the other instruments worked out. I enjoy listening to the finished product.
I must say, the one part of the process I do not care for is performance. I have no craving for attention, no hunger of my own for standing ovations. But, I do very much love to bring a new song into the world. That is enough.
I am not going to force myself to seek recognition for the sake of appeasing this past life energy I brought forward to heal. I release all the shoulds that have peppered my experience and the experience of all of us in the first world, where accomplishment and recognition are seen as the inevitable masters of our pursuits. Instead, I choose peace, satisfaction with that which feels good. This is what my intuition teaches me today. 10 of Swords to the Devil!