When you are frustrated with where you are, perhaps you may find change for the better if you study the degree of balance in your life and become present so you can see the true state of yourself. It is very easy, in fact, it is the norm, to move through life, focused on whatever prize you were raised to covet. This mental focus creates a blindness to your true state of being. Yet, I so often find myself drifting there, into the sector of desired conclusions–ones I do not achieve. I ask myself, why?
I know the answer. Especially as I sit here now, in the silence of my room, but for the drifting sounds of the lives of others being lived seeping in and making part of the room’s sonic wallpaper. Happy girl voices. A boy voice, connecting with other gamers: happy, too. Golden Girls (Mom is staying the night). The click clack of typing keys. The good slowness it slows me down to to have to type my moving thoughts.
Here I sit. Think I’m gonna play some guitar now. Buenos noches. (I hope I didn’t just say good nachos, but if I did, then, hey, good nachos.) Good nuf.
Just had the very best time doing some acoustic metal riffage, really super fun. I’m realizing I’m like a musical Pamela Aaralyn. I channel this acoustic progressive metal stuff, heavy singer songwriter (Good Bumper Sticker) and happy sweet/bittersweet stuff (Robyne Byrdde). So, I have different channels, just as Aaralyn does. She can really dial in and move around the dial too.
She’s the one, who, in channeling Jesus, finally helped with a piece of understanding I’ve been curious about for a long time. I have sought to understand why any spiritual being would choose a place of pain and suffering and fear for spiritual learning. Why was this soul school called Earth created? What distinguishes it, if anything? I have not been satisfied with the answers given on this until now, at last. Free will was the answer most often given, but I absolutely cannot for one second imagine that free will is a particular of the Earth school. What a horrible kind of heaven is that? No free will? I don’t want to be the mothership’s drone. I want to have fun. We are creators. Creating is what feels good. Free will to roam and choose experience is a necessary part of creation.
So, that can’t be it. Yet I’ve read so often that makes earth school special. No, actually, finally what I gather from Pamela Aaralyn’s channeling of Jesus is that it is one of the few schools that learns about the nature of light through the lens of duality. So, it is this school’s focus on learning the nature of energy and vibration and being through the mechanism of duality that distinguishes it. Dark. Light. Love. Hate. Fear. Love. Joy. Pain. Mad degrees of opposites. Extremes. And then the finding of the golden mean after swinging as widely as you’ve chosen to go in the extreme places of dark and light along the continuum of the beam of light you in truth are.
So, I remember as often as I can to look upon pain with gratitude for the lesson it brought me and then to identify the lessons and feel gratitude for the increase of discernment I have gained and the greater understanding. One more pinpoint of light casting its line into the darkness.
The reason Earth school is the school of the rock stars of spirit is that those vibrations with essences that are most hearty (“heart-y”) take the challenges and tests of this school, which take them further from the light than others can resonate with. There is a toughness about moving through low, slow vibrational experience in the material world, in time and space, in the place of forgetting who you really are, what you are really made of, the same answer for both: light.
We think we are bodies, that need money, to feed ourselves and get what we’ve been taught to get, to chase and pursue all our born days, big cats on the hunt. I’m going to make a little music and try to find some chocolate. I will choose the energy of the bird on the balcony.
We do get rewards like chocolate here. Souls in other schools that I’ve read about, like the yellow-winged beings who spend entire lifetimes making magnetism in a world in some other dimension, well, they don’t get chocolate. I’ll brave the terrors of duality for stuff like sex and chocolate.
That’s all good.
How’s this for a nutty, crazy story. I’m reading Robert Monroe’s “Ultimate Journey,” and he said one of the reasons a soul might choose to come back into incarnation might be that it wants more steak or it wants to taste strawberries again. In the week before I read that, I dreamt of standing in a health food store, looking in a refrigerator case at packages of cube steak. And, I had another dream that I was in a beer hall eating strawberries. It has been the strangest week for synchronicity in my dreams.
I went to a gong bath and crystal healing event with Lily last nite. It was our birthday adventure present. It was awesome!
The crystals (in chakra order from crown to root) were: amethyst, lapis lazuli, blue amazonite, jade, tigers eye, clear quartz star, and garnet.
After the introductory talk and before the cleansing, we were given a break. I went into the gallery and tried on a moldavite ring.
As soon as the ritual started. I heard and felt a voice say that I have help, all the help I need when I need it and that I am loved and safe and protected. I get to help Ridge and others. And it helped me to remember that like Bob Monroe, there are countless facets of myself sending the help to me that I need. I felt good and I had an understanding that everything happens as it should, when it should. It was really such a relief from my usual sense of not getting enough done fast enough and being late and slow and alone.
I saw Uma Thurman as Medusa and also Liz Taylor, but it was the older version of her. She’s very nice. She hugged me.
I saw dark water rippling with the moonlight shining on it. Very pretty and mysterious.
I saw a moon goddess I haven’t seen before.
Saw Ganesh a lot both as male and female and he/she would dissolve into Jesus. Jesus hugged me too. He became light.
Again, I saw things I haven’t seen before, some of which I cannot recall because they were so different from anything I’ve seen. One thing looked decorative and had curliques of thin teal blue metal.
I saw a red bat, a baby dragon being born (kind of like a live birth in an egg but the egg sort of had a womb inside), and a fuzzy white/grey light as a horizon set in blackness.
I felt pain in my heart and throat chakras that dissolved with the gong bath.
I saw a giant Satan and myself, tiny, in a circle of white light. Satan rose up and then dissolved into a mountain meadow.
There was a lot of ringing in my ears, and the lapis lazuli on my forehead (for the third eye chakra) became itchy and tingly.
And a most interesting exchange: there were two women there I’ve never seen before. One told me she kept seeing yellow cars everywhere. I told Lily about it, and she reminded me of the dream I had in which she was wearing yellow round toed stiletto pumps and there was a yellow car in the parking lot (maybe we were taking a ride in it) of a pharmacy in North Carolina.
Hmm. What in the world could that be all about?
I have had post it notes on my desk at home and at work for some time. They contained the reminder to buy Heather Alicia Lagan’s book called Chaldean Numerology for Beginners. I finally got around to it. It turned out to be quite interesting. Ms. Lagan has been using this divination method for decades and is convinced it is more accurate than Pythagorean numerology. So, here’s the weird part. She reports that master numbers (these are double digits such as 11, 22, 33, 44, 55, 66, 77, 88, 99) are uncommon and carry a higher vibrational level of energy. These are never reduced down to a single digit in this system. She says that people with these numbers have access to higher vibrational frequencies and that because of that they can access a much higher plane of learning and participation (or in the negative, they can descend to a much lower place of destruction and misdeeds if they go to the dark side with their energy). She writes that these frequencies carry “extraordinary potential for achievement and legacy.” She also says that because these numbers are so high voltage that it’s not normally until middle age when the bearers of such numbers can step into their power in a positive way.
She says those with master numbers are “prone to meditating, practicing divination, investigating metaphysical subjects, attending spiritual meetings, and/or altering their lifestyles in accordance with their spiritual awakenings and pursuits.” Lagan also reports that “[a]lthough Masters run from 11 to 99, their occurrence is practically non-existent above the number 44.” In the decades that she has practiced Chaldean Numerology she has encountered very few 44s or 55s and she says the odds are slim to none that you will ever encounter a 77.
Okay, so how’s this for nuts: my first name is a 22. My middle name is a 33. My maiden name total, my day of birth, my house number and my phone number each come to 11. My daily name is a 44, and my married name total is a 77.
The 77 energy is the energy of divine consciousness. And, this is, of course, the grail I seek, if you hadn’t already noticed.
How’s that for super weird? It kind of freaks me out. It’s definitely brought me to the realization that I must follow through with the intuition I have had to do spirituality videos for You Tube. Maybe they actually will help someone who needs to hear something I have to share.
You can google Chaldean Numerology or buy this book (which I recommend) if you want to study the energy of the numbers that make your name.
So, back in January I discussed the most recent relationship I had (which at this point ended nearly 2 years ago). Today, Tessa told me her therapist said she has PTSD from that relationship and also told her that if she has it, I most certainly do. I’ll say this: that certainly helps to make sense of my feelings and reactions. I still haven’t figured out how to stop this feeling of horror that I get when I contemplate that soul mate. I have learned about the past life karmic reason for the relationship, but damned if I can figure out how to stop feeling appalled. I guess just like all the tasks that seem insurmountable to me I will ask the angels to help me. They always come through. Every time. You just have to be open to how and what they are communicating to you and to trust that they will get this across to you at exactly the right time, when you are ready for it.
From bad to worse: the most recent girlfriend of said person I was just talking about sent me an email on Facebook and wants me and another girl he had been dating to get together and come up with a plan to gang up on him. Holy moly. No thanks. I am not even writing her back. I will let that all fade away. So, in the two years since that break up, I have holed up in my room and tried to stop feeling horrified, and he went out and immediately started dating and has managed to totally wreck relationships with another two women. God’s blessing to him, to them and to me. Whatever we are supposed to learn, please angels, help us all learn. This is not fun. It does not feel good. I want no more of this.
I am becoming clairvoyant. Recently, I dreamt of the little Subaru symbol. The next day, when I was shopping, this symbol was on a big box on a cart at the warehouse store where I went shopping. Also, I have dreamt of Fleetwood Mac and the next morning, I heard Stevie Nicks singing from the radio in the next office over. Also, same thing happened with that Grateful Dead song Casey Jones (I’m sorry to report that I am not a GD listener normally). I was walking the dogs and that song popped in my head so I sang a little of it. I came home and Tessa was burning a mix CD for a friend and what song was playing first? Yep. Weird.
So, Lily helped me release a little piece of shadow. She recently finished a hypnotherapy course and wanted to practice, so I went over to her office for a session. She asked me what at that moment in time I wanted more than anything. I said I wanted to sing with complete ease and comfort and to enjoy it. She took me on a hypnotherapy regression to the time in my life when I first developed a discomfort with singing. I have to say I was so surprised. It made me cry.
It was the day my father left. I was three.
I left my church in 2013. Traditional religious approaches no longer appeal to me. While there are many valuable teachings to be had in churches, some of what they cling to does not resonate at all with me. We are not sinners. We are not unworthy of God. This self-hating, critical, judgmental nonsense just doesn’t cut it for me.
We are love. We are creators. This is what God wants us to know. Churches have too much negative dogma for me to continue on that path. Not only are we worthy of God, we are God. God is everything: all that is. This includes us.
Last Saturday I went back to my old church for the funeral of a man who did much good in the world. And, of all the lessons he could have chosen for his funeral service, he chose the story of Martha and Mary. This story particularly resonates with me. It is one of the most prominent examples of synchronicity in my experience.
I taught Sunday School for 8 years. Each year a few of the women and men of the church would take turns teaching, but there were 2 of us who were always there, organizing and running the teaching roster, taking as many turns teaching as were needed to fill the gaps and covering when others couldn’t make it on their assigned Sunday. We would typically order lesson sets that would cover the semester and whoever covered a particular Sunday would teach the lesson that came with the kit for that week.
For four years in a row, I just happened to get the week with the Martha and Mary lesson. That is no accident. What was it God wanted me to understand?
Martha and Mary were sisters who welcomed Jesus and his disciples into their home. While Martha rushed around preparing food for their guests, Mary sat at the feet of Jesus and listened to his teachings. Martha became very aggravated at this. She felt that Mary should help her with the preparations for their guests.
Jesus told Martha that Mary had chosen the better path, the one that would truly sustain her. She chose nourishment that would last her forever and that could never be taken from her.
So, at this gentleman’s funeral, God reminded me once more: listen.
How do we do this in this day and age?
Meditate. And simply ask: Jesus, what would you have me know? What would you have me hear?
Then sit in silence, in peace, and listen for his answer.
If you do not feel a connection with Jesus, then ask your higher self. Higher self: what guidance do you have for me?
I had the great pleasure of going to the very first circle in my hometown by a new psychic medium. A young man in his early 20’s who has been in training with Lisa Williams. While he had many amazing insights and connections for me (I heard from my grandmother, for the first time ever!), the advice I needed to hear most was that I need to journal to heal from my most recent relationship.
So, back in April I had asked the angels to help me heal. So, that’s what they sent. I will follow through with this guidance.
I had thought if I chose not to think of this person . . . this soul . . . that if I discontinued thought of him, or greatly minimized it, I would be cured of all ill feeling I carried with me. Oh, no.
I merely set upon a path that keeps leading me back. Why?
Because my heart has been so shocked. It feels as though it froze me. I simply could not absorb that another person could behave as he did. He introduced me to the sensation of sickened horror and astonishment. I had been lucky never to have experienced behavior like that in my life until that point in which he brought it into my experience. It completely shocked me into a state of stillness. I have stood still as a ghost for months, almost two years now. Keeping a quiet place.
I guess I need to give that up. No more of that. Not one second.
So, healing . . . come. As fast as you can. I’m sick of this.
But, how can I talk about what I hate without feeling sick? Can I talk about what I loved without feeling afraid he’ll somehow connect with my mind and start thinking of me again. I seek to sever the energetic tie now and forever. He can go to the darkness he seems to choose over and over again in his lifetime . . . much further than I will venture . . . a depth I will not dare. He can stay there festering until God brings him light.
It is time to invite my shadow for tea and sympathy.
My shadow brings hate to my door and rings the bell. I will answer.
Wow. More clairvoyance. Last night I dreamt of a rust colored V-neck sweater. Today at the mall, I found that sweater on the clearance rack. It looks great! And what a deal! Crazy!
I just realized that music is a mechanism for expanding oneness. When a song is in your head at the same time that it is in other people’s heads you are all attuned. That’s a very cool thing. Now, I’ll tell you what, this may seem very obvious. But, to me, it was one of those things hidden in plain view. I didn’t really see it until now. I was singing a song called You by Everclear. I thought about what the singer was saying. It’s extremely heavy and I honest to God felt empathy and wonder if he is done hurting about that? And if he’s ever let go of the fear it taught him.
It’s definitely an awesome jumping off point for the healing I need to do. Maybe it will help me shake off this profound numbness. I just got freaked out to my very core. I had no idea people could treat you as badly as this person treated me. It was just flat out the worst treatment I have received in my life. I still can’t believe it happened. It’s as though it froze me in a frame of horror and I just can’t get unstuck from it.
I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. And the psychics tell me some one new is coming this year. In the fall. Wouldn’t it be great if I were healed by then? I wonder? Can you heal in a day? A second? Six months? Five years? 1,500 lifetimes? What does it take?
At this point in time I do not know how to answer the question. But I’m still wondering if being frozen makes me broken?
Well, okay, then. So what if it does. That’s what I am. I know a girl who wrote the most beautiful song about it. Of course, the title is appropriate: “Broken.” Heather was her name. Taylor I think. Her voice was perfect with it too.
My son just wandered in here and told me that all of his teachers are sarcastic and depressed. Okay, so them too. Oneness. The oneness of the broken.
Now how in the world do I change? I think I just need to pick something else. That’s what I keep seeing in the metaphysical literature. The alchemy stuff. Changing your vibration to a higher golden one. We all want to feel better. So you just pick something that feels better. And you can do it this minute. I was yelling at Ridge to get out of my space so I can write and then I noticed he was playing the new guitar I got him today. He is such a great player, he deserves a fine instrument so I bought him the most gorgeous Taylor. It was expensive and it is exquisite. I am in love with the beauty of this guitar and it sounds so madly lush and lovely. Oh, I am so happy for him!! What it must feel like to be 15 and getting this as your second acoustic guitar, because you create beautiful music with such ease. His talent brings him joy. I can see it and hear it.
Music is magic. True magic.
An invisible form of creation, just like thought.
So, should I dredge up angry feelings from the muck of some hidden place deep inside my psyche? What I mean to ask is: is that what healing is considered to be? Do I get out the shovel and dig in the creepy basement for the rotten corpses of last year’s feelings and keep digging and digging? When do you stop? Do you have to get to bedrock?
Or can you climb the stairs and get the hell out of the creepy basement?
I’m thinking I might try the stairs this time. Why not? If I doesn’t work, I have all of eternity to try another way. I never die after all. Eternal beings of light. Every one of us. Every particle in all of creation. All of it conscious. Every pixel as aware as the next. How does a human grasp that?
I just have to trust in that story because I am sure of it. Even though I have no way to see it or feel it. Just like music is real. Invisible though it is.
I’m trying to be with the moment but I feel so run off my feet. I just did one thing to the next all day. The only quiet time I had was in the car, and I used that listening to the Dan Harris audiobook 10% Happier. I enjoy listening to him trying to be a better person and working at self-awareness. It’s quite helpful. I like to know I’m not alone in my self-improvement journey.
One of the lessons he shares is the practice of asking yourself if what it is you are doing, thinking, noticing you are choosing: is this thing or course of action helpful?
Tonight, my self-judgment is not helpful. Of course, I did watch the studio videos for a song I’m doing with Ridge and Oh called Self Loathing. So, the lyrics of Self Loathing are front and center. “Somewhere along the way I got the idea that I’m not good enough, that I don’t measure up. Somewhere along the lonely way I got the idea, you’re too good to be true. I don’t deserve you. Why do I believe in only the bad part of the story?”
There’s more but you get the gist. So, I’ve spent some time today in that vibe and a shopping vibe. Shopping vibes are real challengers to my ability to feel peace. I don’t know what it is, but the energy of all that stuff makes me feel like a nervous wreck. I feel extremely jangled by the time I get home and I have a hard time settling down and feeling any peace. Why?
It was shopping that dumped me out of my two week long heaven high that I got after doing a Carol Fitzpatrick Soul Remembering gathering about 5 years ago. At that gathering, I sat in a room for a couple hours with a bunch of people I didn’t know and we looked deeply in each others’ eyes. It was unbelievably powerful. God, it was hard to do, but I made myself do it. And at the end of it, I started to giggle. I felt giddy and light. And I don’t know when the moment exactly occurred but just after that event I noticed that everything was sparkling and everything I could see: it was all made of heaven. It’s as though everywhere I looked I saw heaven. And, I knew this is heaven. Every particle is heaven. I could see that clearly in every place I looked every waking moment. It lasted for two weeks. It might have been more, but at least that.
During that time, I did not sleep. Maybe a couple hours a day of sort of closing my eyes but not really sleeping.
I thought I had lost my mind. I thought the stress of the divorce had finally pushed me right off the cliff. I went to a counselor. She said I was not mad. She said I was having a mystical experience and people having mystical experiences sometimes confuse them for madness. So, I’m like, well, okay. I’ve talked to a person who is grounded, sane, and thank God, wide awake to all the weirdo spiritual stuff I begrudgingly have had to admit seems to be on the mark. Funny. Her name is Lisa Marks. On the mark, yes she is.
She was the only professional counselor at that time in my life who could possibly understand me completely, because I could tell her anything and not worry about being told to check in to a locked ward somewhere and then getting put on some kind of pills. I don’t have time to check in anywhere. I have children to raise.
So, I lived in my mystical experience for weeks. Hearing voices come from the field. I could hear them. A crowd at a party it often sounded like. I call it “spirit radio,” those times when I can hear sound coming across the field of consciousness.
I am back to not sleeping again. I wonder if that means I’m moving up in vibration? Like I was then? I’m at about 6 hours. Down from 7. Could it be just insomnia?
I keep throwing the 9 of Swords. The up-in-the-middle-of-the-night card. The sleep issues card.
Okay. Do I feel rested? Yes. Do I have pretty good energy? Yes. Is the energy stable? Yes. Are any of its fluctuations extreme? No. When I sleep, do I sleep soundly? Yes. Do I fall asleep readily? Yes.
Okay. I’m just gonna keep on getting it and trying not to be alarmed about a change that seems to be happening in me that doesn’t harm me, but certainly is different.
I find myself feeling an unsteadiness because of the change. But how can I possibly sleep more? And do I need it? I think checking in with myself is the best thing to do.
I meditated for 5 minutes and noticed the fine net of nervous tension that envelopes most of my body. Certainly all of my torso. My chest especially.
There’s a barely perceptible tense hum in me too.
Now what do I do about that? Is that the engine at a quiet idle or should my body be silent like an electric car?
These mysteries elude me.
I suppose I’ll understand it when I’m meant to understand it. That would not be today. I’m thinking about just laying off blogging for the evening and messing around with my guitar. I’m finally getting to play it (a Gibson Songwriter) again whenever I want now that Ridge has his own fine instrument.
Both of our guitars are super pretty and sound great. The wood in his is especially pretty. It’s Koa wood, which in Hawaiian means brave, bold, fearless or warrior. No wonder we had to have it!! The warrior in me sees the warrior in it. Cool.
We were told a legend that is inconsistent with the Wikipedia account, but it’s a great story anyway. The guitar tech at the store said that Taylor is very eco-friendly and only uses Koa downed in lightning strikes or already at stump stage. He suggested it is in very limited supply. Taylor Swift plays a Taylor Koa guitar. Ridge said the name of his good friend’s brother who is in jail is Taylor, which is another reason he wanted to buy the guitar, besides the fact that it plays beautifully and sounds and looks beautiful too.
Hmmm. That’s a lot of Taylors. At the poles, as well. What does it mean? They are situated hierarchically about as far apart as it gets: one in jail, the other at the height of societal achievement. I wonder if we get to move back towards the golden mean now? Could that be what this synchronicity is communicating to me? That we’ve reached the far end of the spectrum on both ends so we’ll move to a place of balance? Or maybe not. Maybe it’s all about the ends reaching further and further, creating new light in the darkness of the womb of the universe through human experience? I honestly have no earthly idea.
Don’t tell me it’s just coincidence. It’s not. (By the way, it really will piss me off if I find out when I get to the other side that it really was just coincidence.)
Synchroncities contain message. Reality is made of magic. This is how the angels and our higher selves communicate and sometimes fuck with us. They fuck with us for our own good, for some lesson we sought, but damn if they don’t wind me up in the thick of it sometimes with their breadcrumbs leading down a fork at the crossroads that I wish I hadn’t taken.
Those are time consuming because of the feelings that get tied up in the experience and bind me to yesterday, not able to break free of old energy.
Okay, back to this theme now. I saw the birthdate on the clock today of the one who brought me PTSD. It was horror that he plated up on the platter he carried in. I still have indigestion from that meal. Stuck there. Am I still? Let me check.
Yes. I am.
Well, that means, I’m playing my guitar now. Best thing to do to turn off a bad vibe: hunt around for new treasure on the fretboard. Gibson here I come.
(Honestly, when will I ever figure this out? Is this right thing to do? Or is blathering on about old bad times somehow helpful? Does it release something that’s stuck to engage in expression of it? Not sure. Maybe both are good? Neither? Who knows.)
Very strange dream last night. I saw the number 435 in a circle on a big piece of paper coming off of a printing press.
I guess that means I should look up what this means in Angel Numbers. Here is what the Google results had to say:
It is strange how number 435 keeps showing up. Only you see it, no one else notices. Sometimes it’s rewarding when you keep pushing on to attain greater results and struggle to better yourself with each passing day. Tapping on talents that you may have that you are already aware of may create room for opportunities. You will begin to realize hidden talents of which you had no idea about. This is the reason why the birth angels won’t stop talking to you.
Optimism is the attitude for this angel number 435. The angel numbers will lead you to the achievement of your expectations of a positive nature. They will be able to manifest unique opportunities as well as rewards or benefits for you. As a result of these opportunities, changes in your life may take effect, leading to improvements in all manner of ways.
Angel number 435 refers to the combination of distinct numbers 4, 3 and 5. Number 4 represents working in a consistent manner to be able to achieve to your goals; it also represents the archangels. Number 3 defines courage and ability to look at things with an open mind as well as being able to express yourself. Number 5 gives a person the motivation to identify with themselves in a truthful manner in addition to having personal freedom.
Endurance is sign given by angel number 435 symbolism. Through hard work as well as personal efforts, you will be able to bring out unique opportunities within the situations that surround your life. Angel number 435 communicates to you to make use of the major changes that are occurring in your life.
The spiritual journey has begun. Angel number 435 signifies choices in your life that may be important in helping you with the mission in relation to your soul. Believing in your angels will bring out opportunities for you as well as solutions that will match your interest and also talents. Reaching out to your angels for a directive on the way forward when you need their help will rule out any fears and anxiety. This will give room for healing and the process of transmutation.
435 means personal effort. It attempts to recommend hard work as it will go a long way towards attaining your goals as well as aspirations. Angel number 435 passes on the message that everything will go according to a plan that is divine.
You have been given your creative abilities for important reasons, so look upon them as a blessing and a useful tool to use throughout your life. Your creativity can manifest and be expressed in whatever way your heart and soul desire. There is beauty in your creativity, and you are encouraged to spread this beauty and allow it to touch the hearts of many, far and wide.
Okay, sounds good to me.
So for the first episode of my youtube channel I am posting episode 1 of Neumarr Sixstar in Medusa’s Tangle. It’s a spiritual video blog, just chatting it up about some of the stuff I’ve learned. I’m just sort of doing it completely by intuition and not too terribly much planning. Tried to plan. Did not flow. I know how to plan. How to outline. How to flesh out the details needed to make sure it gets done consistently and properly. But, screw that.
I feel more like a river than ever. I really like it and prefer it. I see now how much I have changed from the person I was 5 years ago. I was still in shock over the loss of a marriage that I thought was rock solid. Once I learned how to let go, I got good at doing it with a lot of things and I mean to do it as an every moment way of being. Clinging ties your hands to what they are holding.
I had a dream this week of rain so heavy it was as though a faucet were on full. Something is definitely happening.
I sleep less and less. There is a fullness of feeling in me. I can feel change. It feels slightly electric and brings with it a weight I notice in my chest. I am going to play and sing and see if this weight lifts.
Did you know your guitar has a consciousness? Every particle is conscious. Your guitar has a faceted consciousness, parts and whole, separate and one. Pixellation of some kind? A whole picture and a dot for an everchanging moment never in the same place twice, having changed instantly, again and again, quick, quick, for infinity. The universe is made of infinity in all things, moments being its currency.
I tried to play my song Summer Place again. I am going to post a little video of giving it a try some time ago. I am looking for my patience and self-love. There is an old temptation to criticize myself for not practicing it more. But the divine guides me in my moments and so I know I choose them well. I play the song as I should each time I play it.
Okay, so I had to say all that because I just karate chopped my beautiful Gibson because I was frustrated at not playing a song perfectly. God, help me to be at peace with myself as I am and as I play. Thank you.
All right. Now to take a deep breath. I do not have to play perfectly to be worthy. I am worthy because I strive. I am worthy because I am worthy. Striving always to hear the heaven sent tune, to learn the deeper truth, to see this moment in all that it is and all that brought me to it and all that it touches, across dimensions unimaginable, not quite yet within the true grasp of human understanding. Soon though. There are minds so big they take all that in. These minds escaped their body by becoming light. Nonjudgment, love, understanding, healthy boundaries, the safe place of self, calling in light, standing in a rainbow stretching from God to the heart of the Earth, bringing the mother up as you rise up. This to me is the primary objective of my incarnation at this point in the journey. It is light I seek.
God, thank you for giving me light, sending it, pouring it, painting it, filling my dreams with it.
By the way, I talked with my guitar and said thanks for putting up with me. I said I’m sorry about that little tap I just gave you. It wasn’t really a karate chop—it looked like one but without the force. I don’t want to focus aggressive energy upon herhim ever unless it’s on the strings and it’s making some really pure music that moves with the energy of aggression. Nothing better than a good metal or rock song. Love me some heavy music. And I love my hesheshehe guitar. And my guitar loves me.
Goodness. I just made a new word. I know what it means. That’s pretty fun.
It is so important to choose your moment to moment in a state of awareness of your thought. Are you lost in a chase or can you remember to look around and say thanks, I love you, I’m grateful for . . . . fill in the blank?
Somehow I think I have risen up. I have made concerted daily effort to do so. Through crystal work (which is a beautiful way for me to show how I think and feel, what I wish to be in me, by choosing the crystals heaven tells me of in dreams, or that seem to have taken hold of my thoughts).
And giving Deeksha. And chakra activations. These are all activities I engage in daily for some, constantly for others (crystals), as often as I can for the others. I am a great explorer of spiritual journeys. Strangely enough, having a consistent practice of any kind that elevates your vibration, over the long term effects a change, that when compared to one’s overall state in years past, appears to be significantly different and better by far.
I just today had this realization that the snapshot of the all that is me today is so much more full of light than it used to be. Mind you, I do not curse the shadows. I love the shadows. The light comes when you find your love of the shadow. And thank it for the mystery and fear and shedding it releases to the light. Awareness is the key to ascension. Awareness is light. Seeing. Knowing. Knowing that what you are doing is knowing.
It’s this very interesting step back from the battle. The lens of moment as lesson helps me to achieve vision and understanding. My life is a living lesson and a quest to fulfill my soul purpose. I have tasks given me by the divine. Luckily, I have been able to discern them. So, step by step, I make my way to their completion.
The more I fill myself from the cup of love, compassion, nonjudgment, and healthy boundaries, I rise up and I feel safe doing so, even if sometimes puzzled and amazed by that which passes in a day. A hot air balloon has been showing up on my screen saver lately. Rising up.
Beyond tired. It’s past 2 a.m. Tomorrow I drive out of town for a good-bye party for a friend who’s moving away. But, I’m up editing video. This is my last try. If it doesn’t work, then I may ditch it. And try over. At least my first attempt worked, and Episode 1 of Medusa’s Tangle, posted yesterday on 6/3, a day of 3’s. That’s a good day.
Went to a psychic festival where I learned that one of my purposes in this lifetime was to balance male and female energy. Now, how strange is it that I have had many dreams of things with a right left orientation. (E.g., I need to park and the only spot available on the long row is the one on the far left. Go left, go left.) Okay, noted. But, do I do a damn thing about it? . . . .No.
I mean, it’s taken me this f’ing long to figure out that I am supposed to incorporate the principle the image is communicating into my choices. Going left means: sitting with my intuition, quieting myself from the world of action, instead, I must receive. It is time to sit and listen to what God has to say to me. So, in silence, but for the hum of the computer fan, I let God pour into me, and then, in turn, I pour too. Thank you, God, for allowing me to be a vessel and instrument of your peace.
Thank you, Mother Teresa, for making this easy for me to understand and apply. I will not participate in an anti-war protest, but I will participate in a peace rally. The difference is important. I will be the model of that which I seek. In so choosing, I bring its resonance to me. I align with like resonance now. This is the way of magic. My thought is the magic coursing through my powerful wand, a wand made of word and deed. Word and deed. Do I speak with intention, understanding that with every word I make, I make what my thought led me to? Every movement of every part of me is the child of my thought. Thought the parent, thought the maker. Thought makes the world.
I look upon what I am making and ask myself, why God, am I so impelled in this way? I feel like a meteor hurtling towards the earth. Now, what could this be about? It is as though I am watching a play in the moment it is conceived by its author. Very odd sensation. Detachment of this order.
That is why I revert back to feeling to guide me so often. I understand its way. It is a comfort to choose from feeling. A blessed and easy relief. It’s a new way of doing things for me. I’m so used to thought by outline because predictability of outcomes was desired so structured thought supplied the vehicle.
But what I am doing in the video is free flow, let it go. God sent me a dream. I was at UVa. I was to speak. I went to the library for my notes but the shelves had been moved. I could not find them. I had to stop looking for the notes: it was time to go. Someone drove me to the lecture hall. I was trying to prepare an outline on the way. I believe I was told to wing it. Something along that line. Anyway, it was basically the message of step up and do it and not to worry about creating a script first.
So, I at last posted a spirituality video. And I did it in the manner the dream prescribed because it was the way that felt right. No outline. No script. Just hello and go. On. Then, off, when it feels right to quit talking.
Okay. That’s a master plan if ever I’ve heard one.
I understand from the readers at the festival that this will be a big year. I have a job change and relationship coming. Very good things coming. Read the clues they say.
Okay. I am reading them, and so much wondering why, the path seems to go as it does, leading to the people and circumstances it does. Someday I will understand. Right now, it all seems very unusual and I am watching quietly, wondering ever so much about what new experiences will feel like. I believe my world of feeling is due for turbulence of a good kind.